Saturday, 1 September 2007

Spice Up Your Love Life, HexMyEx Style

Well, this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for isn’t it? I’ve been analysing plenty of trashy magazines over the last few weeks and the article which is yelling at me to be written is “Hot Top Sex Tips!” Some of you may scoff that I am not really in a position to be writing about this due to my long-standing exile in the Jiggy Desert, but I can assure you that rumpy pumpy is just like riding a bike...eerrr...bumpy and uncomfortable between the legs…

Hot Top Tip 1

I do not look like this
Men may not notice your new dress, but he will probably remind you years ahead about your stockings, tiny panties and sexy bra, the more so if you put on the most ill-fitted ones! Keep in mind that you may wear the simplest outfit outside the bedroom setting, but you should always wear lingerie you won't be embarrassed to show after you undress.

I have obviously screwed this one up repeatedly as my underwear is from George at Asda, sags on the backside due to ‘elastane issues’ and only matches the bra if I keep the same pair of pants on for about four days.

Hot Top Tip 2

Breathe on each other. As one of you inhales, the other should exhale, so you are breathing each other’s breath.

This makes me feel sick just thinking about it, actually. My ex had severe halitosis first thing in the morning and I would have to snog him with my fingers pinching my nose (well, not really, but I would have if I could get away with it).
Just not nice.
Hot Top Tip 3

Read to each other. You’ll be amazed how aroused you can get, listening to your loved one’s voice.

OK, this is from my current reading material, just tell me if this turns you on:

“From here, for example, we know that Bazarov was compositely based on the famous critic Dobrolyubov (1836-61), on a Dr Pavlov (1823-1904) whom Turgenev knew in Orël, and on a certain Preobrazhensky (Nikolai Sergeevich), a friend of Dobrolyubov and a contributor to the radical journal, The Contemporary. Yet if Turgenev saw his characters, as the character sketches testify, he als…..”

Was it good for you?

Hot Top Tip 4

attractive image, isn't it?Never underestimate the erotic power of the elbow. Find out what you can do with yours and soon, your partner will be dragging you off to the bedroom the minute you get home.

I like to use my elbow in bed. I find a sharp jab to the ribs stops that irritating snoring sound which makes my teeth grind. Unfortunately, I do not know how to elbow myself, so I often wake myself up with the dulcet tones emanating from my slack, drooling mouth.

Hot Top Tip 5

Stuff each other’s mouths with food and then lick each other all over.

just eat it!
I can sort of get this if you are using, say, cream, or mousse. But what if someone takes it literally and you end up with half a Sunday roast on your neck? Even worse, a curry lover and you go out smelling like the local takeaway for the rest of the evening. I won’t go into what chillies could do to your tender bits.

Hot Top Tip 6

Use your muscles. When a man penetrates a woman the last thing he expects to see is her absolute calmness and immovability.

Hang on – I thought “absolute calmness and immovability” was what you employed to get OUT of making the beast with two backs – you know, when you pretend you are so asleep that only a missile could wake you up? Unless they’re talking necrophilia here?

Hot Top Tip 7

pretty candles
Cover each other with melted wax. It may be a bit painful at first, but give it a try!

Aarrrggh! Do that to me again, you stupid %*&##$ and I’ll shove that candle where the sun doesn’t shine!
I ask you! Somebody got paid for writing this, you know…

Hot Top Tip 8

Just try out a different position…or something…stick your legs round your ears or what have you…you know…just do some funny things for a change…

So, for any of you who feel you have got into a bit of a romantic rut, I am sure these Hot Top Tips will sort you out. Please don’t tell me how you got on, as I really do not want to know. That’s your business.


Matt Chingduvé said...


Oh my god! Where do they dredge these ideas up from? They are about as sexy as wallpapering your toilet!

I used to read the final demand notices to my ex, but she didn't find them erotic at all, unless I paid them.

Agnes Mildew said...

Matt, wallpapering your toilet was actually going to be Top Tip #9, but I didn't want to get our other reader too hot under the collar.

Nim said...

#1 Don't wear underwear. Must start. Also, you're going wrong with Asda luv, you need to stick with M&S.

#2 Breathing. Having a pulse to start with would that count..?!

#3 christonabike! Breathing, a pulse AND reading! Not asking much are they..?!! Bstds.

#4 The elbow..?! They do know we're trying to 'keep' partners, not give them 'the elbow'. Who wrote this fricking article anyhow..?

#5 Listen, I watched 9½ weeks, I know how that's done. Curry or no curry. I don't mind curry actually.

#6 So. Breathing, a pulse, reading AND muscles. Check. [fills out CV]. I can't see this working really. Especially not after 20 kids.

#7 Melted wax. I think you're getting mixed up with the 'hex my ex' tips. Really.

#8 Different position..? Such as...

"our other reader" [preens self]. That'll be me then. Jolly good. Do continue.

E-Babe said...

"I am not really in a position to be writing about this due to my long-standing exile in the Jiggy Desert." - Nonsense! You're the clear-headed voice of reason.

1. I've never had anyone refuse to sleep with me a second time because my bra and panties didn't match.

2. I agree with you. Breathing in someone's exhaled carbon dioxide full of bacteria and germs is going to make me think about contracting Tuberculosis, not turn me on.

3. If I am starting something sexual, I would be offended if anyone involved began to read. How rude!

4. Don't use your elbow with me. Not only don't most people have any good ideas about how it can be used in an erotic way, but neither do I. So don't try it or I may end up laughing and then, we'll both feel bad. Stick with what you know and do it well.

5. Sure, make a big, damn mess of the kitchen. I hope it turns you on because all I'll be thinking about is that I'm going to have to clean this up in the morning.

6. Muscles are for holding people down. That is not only sexy, but is also something I can do. Not quite what the tipster recommended, but I'll take what I can get.

7. Hot Wax? Nothing says "SEXY" more than third degree burns on your nethers.

8. This tip sounds like the writer got in his 7 ideas but his editor wanted 8. With 60 seconds before his deadline, he threw down "Change positions! Stick your legs around your ears or something." Sorry, not a "hot tip." That's what people automatically do when they are bored during sex. They think, "Well, THIS isn't working. Let's see if it helps when I move my knee from there to HERE. Ahhh... much better!"

Keep scouring the trashy mags, Agnes. We're bound to learn something useful sooner or later.

Agnes Mildew said...

Nim, I trust you are suitably educated now and your CV is ready to impress?

M & S undies? Too bloomin' expensive! Asda will do me while I don't have to impress anyone...or maybe that's WHY I don't have anyone to impress...

These things I am forced to think about! I'm going off to swear at the cat...

Agnes Mildew said...

E-Babe: Erm...Top Tip #8 was the one I devised. Yes, I wanted a nice even number, so I just put that in because I was getting fed up with the whole tosh I was having to read!

Amel's Realm said...

LOL!!! This is SO FUNNY, Agnes!!! ;-D You really should start writing for a magazine or something he he...

My hubby and I personally love tickling each other with our fingers. With feather-light touches all over the neck, back, arms, armpits...SO orgasmic!!! ;-D

Amel's Realm said...

Oh, to Agnes and Matt...SORRY about the typo I made in my last post, about the quiz, but Matt got it right the second time. YAAAAAAAAAAAAAAYYY!!!

100 points for Matt! ;-D

Agnes Mildew said...

Amel: with reference to the feather light touches, I hope you just use the feather and not the whole chicken...!

And the typo! Well, I hope you realise that I have pondered over that flippin' puzzle all flippin' day!! Well, I would have if I wasn't entertaining children, baking, cooking, cleaning and writing snotty letters to people!

Amel's Realm said...

Agnes: LOL!!! We didn't use feather. We use our fingers instead. So we needn't hunt a farmer's chicken to steal the feathers. ;-D

SOOOOOOWWWYYYYYYYYYY about the typo he he he he...My bad! You can punish me any way you want to, then. How about that? *wink*

Agnes Mildew said...

Amel: All punishments are dealt with strictly by Matt. I am the snarky, bad-tempered Hexer; he meters out the retribution...But if you buy me a big box of Haribo Cola Bottles, we'll forget all about it!

Jayne said...

This post is just another example of why HME is a 'must read' blog.

Holy crap, what is WRONG with these people? This one sounds like it was written by someone who was about 22, when life hasn't really started yet.

Agnes Mildew said...

Jayne, I am sure, if I was to delve a bit deeper, these will have been written by another footballer's WAG whose fiancé is currently sh*gging half of the local Tesco check out staff. She is obviously clutching at straws.

The best hot tip is number 8. I invented that one.