Well, this is the moment you’ve all been waiting for isn’t it? I’ve been analysing plenty of trashy magazines over the last few weeks and the article which is yelling at me to be written is “Hot Top Sex Tips!” Some of you may scoff that I am not really in a position to be writing about this due to my long-standing exile in the Jiggy Desert, but I can assure you that rumpy pumpy is just like riding a bike...eerrr...bumpy and uncomfortable between the legs…
Hot Top Tip 1
Men may not notice your new dress, but he will probably remind you years ahead about your stockings, tiny panties and sexy bra, the more so if you put on the most ill-fitted ones! Keep in mind that you may wear the simplest outfit outside the bedroom setting, but you should always wear lingerie you won't be embarrassed to show after you undress.
I have obviously screwed this one up repeatedly as my underwear is from George at Asda, sags on the backside due to ‘elastane issues’ and only matches the bra if I keep the same pair of pants on for about four days.
Hot Top Tip 2
Breathe on each other. As one of you inhales, the other should exhale, so you are breathing each other’s breath.
This makes me feel sick just thinking about it, actually. My ex had severe halitosis first thing in the morning and I would have to snog him with my fingers pinching my nose (well, not really, but I would have if I could get away with it).
Just not nice.
Hot Top Tip 3
Read to each other. You’ll be amazed how aroused you can get, listening to your loved one’s voice.
OK, this is from my current reading material, just tell me if this turns you on:
“From here, for example, we know that Bazarov was compositely based on the famous critic Dobrolyubov (1836-61), on a Dr Pavlov (1823-1904) whom Turgenev knew in Orël, and on a certain Preobrazhensky (Nikolai Sergeevich), a friend of Dobrolyubov and a contributor to the radical journal, The Contemporary. Yet if Turgenev saw his characters, as the character sketches testify, he als…..”
Was it good for you?
Hot Top Tip 4
Never underestimate the erotic power of the elbow. Find out what you can do with yours and soon, your partner will be dragging you off to the bedroom the minute you get home.
I like to use my elbow in bed. I find a sharp jab to the ribs stops that irritating snoring sound which makes my teeth grind. Unfortunately, I do not know how to elbow myself, so I often wake myself up with the dulcet tones emanating from my slack, drooling mouth.
Hot Top Tip 5
Stuff each other’s mouths with food and then lick each other all over.
I can sort of get this if you are using, say, cream, or mousse. But what if someone takes it literally and you end up with half a Sunday roast on your neck? Even worse, a curry lover and you go out smelling like the local takeaway for the rest of the evening. I won’t go into what chillies could do to your tender bits.
Hot Top Tip 6
Use your muscles. When a man penetrates a woman the last thing he expects to see is her absolute calmness and immovability.
Hang on – I thought “absolute calmness and immovability” was what you employed to get OUT of making the beast with two backs – you know, when you pretend you are so asleep that only a missile could wake you up? Unless they’re talking necrophilia here?
Hot Top Tip 7
Cover each other with melted wax. It may be a bit painful at first, but give it a try!
Aarrrggh! Do that to me again, you stupid %*&##$ and I’ll shove that candle where the sun doesn’t shine!
I ask you! Somebody got paid for writing this, you know…
Hot Top Tip 8
Just try out a different position…or something…stick your legs round your ears or what have you…you know…just do some funny things for a change…
So, for any of you who feel you have got into a bit of a romantic rut, I am sure these Hot Top Tips will sort you out. Please don’t tell me how you got on, as I really do not want to know. That’s your business.