I was confronted with 73 unmoderated comments and my smile raised, my eyebrows lifted and I thought, Aw...I am being missed. How nice is that? Then I realised that out of the 73 comments, three were genuine ones - for instance, "Happy New Year, HexMyEx"...40% from some weirdo, fuckwit dating agency, and the rest wholly written in Mandarin Chinese. I did run the comments through Babelfish.com and they were rather interesting...to me...but I shall not bore you further!
I've dipped my toe into Facebook and tentatively started leaving a few status updates. I generally feel a little egocentric doing so, and much prefer leaving comments on other people's posts, but I am getting there.
But this is going to be a genuine HEX post, no holds barred...read on...if you dare! (And for all of those who think my name is still Agnes Mildew, I will not shatter your illusions...but for authenticity, I will write, "Agnes")
"Agnes, Agnes, Agnes"...no this is not somebody trying to wake me from a bad dream...this is our temporary marketing manager. Right. I have to say it, and I feel like crap saying it, but she is Indian and has an exceptionally high-pitched, quickly-spoken Indian accent. Say to yourself, very fast: "burry-garry-burry-garry-burry-garry-burry-garry-burry-garry..." over and over again. This is what I hear when she calls her family/friends for the 20th time this morning.
I am now going to sound like a bleating imbecile, but I AM NOT RACIST. My true best friend, Z, is from Pakistan, and I love the bones of her. But this lass, and I shall have to call her Tangerini...as it is almost her name...is an abomination.
Eight times I have run the same document by her for editing and correction. I no sooner open my mouth to explain what needs to be done than she shouts me down and I just clam up and stare at her, waiting for 'Version 8', which will need EXACTLY the same edits...'cos she didn't listen...
She claims to be a Marketing Guru. She worked in 'the States' for eight years - and boy, don't we know it? She asked me about White Paper rules in the UK - were they done under Chicago API?
That means: "Just Fucking Do It"
My smoking buddy dragged me out for a fag this afternoon, claiming she could see steam coming from my ears.
I don't mind somebody wanting my help - I will help all I can...but I DESPISE starting to talk and being shouted down...and then being asked, "What was it again?"
I have queried, 8 times (I know this, because she sent me Version 8 of the web copy) the number of Suppliers for a contract. Eight times she got it wrong and brushed it off to 'confusion'. Look: (18 + 19) - 3 duplicates = 34.
Was that a difficult equation?
34 frigging suppliers on a legal and formal document, which I had to question EIGHT TIMES!!
She has now starting riffling through my in-tray. Yesterday, as I was leaving the office, she shrieked at me: "Oh My God, I cannot believe that St ****** Hospice spelled M****** wrongly in their newsletter!"
Now, I had printed off said newsletter, stored it in my in-tray for a few days, and that particular morning, it was in my recyc pile. She was looking at Wikipedia..fount of all knowledge, as we all know *ahem*, and querying a health organisation which had been in the area since 1974. I informed her that Wikipedia was incorrect, walked out of my offices, and then realised that she had been going through my in-trays, nosing and stuff I was working on.
Neil: What does Retrofit General mean?
Simon: I dunno...ask Marketing...
Me: Retrofit General is the umbr...
Her: Umbrella agreement for all of the Retrofit contracts and I am working on them, so if you have any queries, just come to me...
She goes soon. I need every ounce of will-power and civility to keep on going, but it is hard.