I had actually started writing a very different blog when, out of nowhere, these memories came flooding back. Why, I don't know, as I hadn't been thinking of men's willies for a change (and I'm not providing any links there!), but I suddenly recalled all the times I had been flashed at when I lived in Oman.
For some reason, Oman had a lot of flashers. They were mainly the Omani men but a few of them were from the sub-continent. If a flasher was caught, he was severely punished, but they rarely are as most of his victims are usually so gob-smacked, they just stand there and gibber mindlessly. My friend, Debs, however, was on the ball, so to speak (!) and helped catch hers. When she identified him, he was hauled off to a very nasty prison in an area called Rusayl. You really don't want to end up in prison out there - everything you read about Middle Eastern incarceration is true...Debs was told by the police that she could decide his punishment. She was offered anything up to, and including, castration. She was quite mortified by this, and having seen him in the dock at sentencing time, by which stage he had languished in his own filth for three months and was completely emaciated, she felt he had served his time. As it was, he got deported back to Pakistan.
As far as I am aware, neither of my two most memorable flashers were caught...
We had just had a new superstore open in the 'shopping district' (I use that term loosely as it was rubbish then) and everyone was rushing down there to buy their huge sacks of rice, drums of ghee, half a side of goat etc and the expats were there because, for a change, we actually had a proper shopping mall! I only had #2 daughter with me that day as #1 was in nursery. #2 was off due to chicken pox and was three sheets to the wind, which was lucky for me. While we walked around the store, we bumped into a friend, Kate, and her daughters, who were also off colour. Kate was married to a work colleague of my ex, so we had a bit of a chat and a gush about how 'simply marvellous' it was that we now had a big shop in which to while away our time.
I got to my car to load up the boot with my shopping and had just strapped #2 into her car seat. I was parked at the forefront of the carpark and, across the little access road, I noticed an Omani man squatting onto the floor. My first thought was that he was taking a leak over the drainage grid and I was somewhat indignant...then, as I focussed more (I had just had eye laser surgery!), I realised that he was having a jolly good tug at himself. I nearly crashed the car, my dear reader! Behind him, busy shoppers were going about their business, ignoring him, probably assuming the same as my initial thought. I quickly looked at #2 who was not of this planet due to all the Calpol with which she was dosed and turned back to my very own personal Flash Dance...
Well, I declared to anybody that, in an identity parade, I wouldn't have recognised him by his facial features, but his appendage was so huge that initially, I thought he was polyorchidic and gazed in amazement...then it dawned on me. I shot the Jeep out as quickly as possible, pointing out various goats and sheep on the neighbouring mountains to #2 so she was distracted and drove off, intermittently chuckling, laughing out loud, and then shaking in fright at what I had seen.
My first phone call was to the ex...I told him and he was gobsmacked. My next call was to Kate.
Kate? Did you see that flasher in the carpark at the Sultan Centre?
Bloody f*ckin' hell (Kate was a dreadful potty-mouth!) did I SEE him? F*ckin' Jesus Christ! He was right next to my f*ckin' car, had his pull, wiped himself off with a f*ck-off leaf, moved across the way and STARTED AGAIN!!!
Did your girls see it? I asked.
No! For f*ck's sake, they were in the back eating Willy Wonka sweets and I'm in the front watching Willy Wanker!
An hour later, the ex called to say that Kate had called her husband, Simon, to tell him of her experience. Kate had told him she had never seen anything so huge in her life and the ex had retorted that this Agnes had said it was minute...
My second memorable flash happened, once again, in a supermarket. I was in Al Fair to purchase a birthday present. All the toddler-aged prezzies were located on the bottom shelf, so I was squatting down looking at My Little Ponies, Polly Pockets and Lego and wondering which item the child would most be likely to choke on when an Omani chap came towards me down the aisle. Out of the corner of my eye, I registered that his dishdasha was being carried upwards like a bride walking down the church aisle to meet her intended. So, I turned to stare at him. There he was, prancing gaily down, baring his masculinity for all to see! My squat over-balanced, and I ended up sprawled on the floor. Sod the present, I thought, I'm off!
I got my trolley and sped over to the frozen food aisles. My head was spinning, but after checking my list, I realised that I had to purchase frozen veg...Well, the bugger followed me and held his willy out for me over the frozen peas, just as I was reaching into the freezers to grab a bag (pardon the pun!) and I yelped!
As I yelped, he scarpered, and I was left with managers swarming around me...one lovely Pakistani manager had just been on a pilgrimage and had his hair hennaed bright red and it was somewhat difficult to take him seriously. His English wasn't fantastic and I resorted to sign language...Have you ever considered how to sign 'flasher' as a woman?
I gave up...I went home and called the ex to tell him of my latest escapade. He found it utterly hilarious, as did my friends when I told them. They started to ask me when I was going out shopping as they wanted to experience it too. At one point, there was even a Flash Agnes Fan Club as I had way more than the two I have related...
I was flashed by mobile phone a year ago...via one of those dreadful dating sites. We had arranged to meet, exchanged mobile numbers, and then I got a mucky picture of him having solo fun. I was not impressed at all and gave him very short thrift. He went onto the website and slagged me off to high heaven and sent me very rude messages until I reported him...
I like men, believe it or not, but I don't like knobheads. I will ask to see your willy when I am ready...And not before!