It is rare that I morph into Agnes the Mother, but on this occasion, I have to report my Sunday as it may serve as both a warning and inspiration to any of you who are parents and who believe honesty is the best policy.
#2 daughter has recently had sex education at school. #1 daughter thinks she knows everything there is to know about sex from high school. I have been dreading this time as my girls don't just accept a given answer: they deconstruct it, go off at tangents, manipulate the answers to their own sick brand of humour and generally leave me a gibbering wreck.
I had always vowed to be as open and objective about 'difficult' questions since being severely damaged as a child by my mother who, when asked how big an erect penis was, wordlessly held up her little finger. As I got older, I looked at my father with pity, then as I got wiser, I realised my mother was either a liar or very bitter.
The interrogation started with one of the most ludicrous questions I have ever been asked.
#1: Mum...is it true that you can die if a man pees inside you when you are having sex?
Me: Ahahahahaha! Who on earth told you that nonsense! As far as I am aware it is impossible for a man to urinate when he has an erection.
#2: What's an election**?
Me: E-R-ection...You know...hardness...
#1: How do you know when they have finished?
Me: Erm...you can feel it...
#1: Really? What's it feel like?
Me: Erm..sort of like a pulsing...
#1: Do they make any noise?
Me: *thinks* Oh crap!
Me: Yes, there can be a sort of 'urrgghhoooooaaaaa'...
#1 & #2: HAHAHAHA!
#2: Did Dad do that?
Me: Erm, well, at least twice - you're here, aren't you?
#1: Can they pee after they've finished then?
Me: Well, yes, they go to the toilet, don't they, if they are desperate.
#1: What if they did it inside you? Would you die then?
Me: No, I wouldn't die, but he most certainly would. I'd batter him senseless.
#1: Do you like sex, Mum?
Me: I can't remember, it's that long ago...
#1: Aw, come on, Mum. Do you, eh? Do you?
Me: Yes, yes, I do. Ok? Yes, I'd like a bit of a reminder from time to time, I guess, but from what I remember, yes, I enjoyed it.
#2: You're a minger, Mum. Eeewwww!
Me: I'm not a minger at all. You'll enjoy it one day, you know!
#2: I'm not having sex until I am at least 20. I really want to have babies, you know, but I don't fancy the idea of sex. Did Dad see us getting born?
#1: Believe me, you'll have sex before the age of 20!
Me: How do you know that? You'd better not be getting jiggy yet!
#2: Shut up Rosemary! I won't! Mum, was Dad there?
Me: Yes, he was there.
#2: But did he actually see us coming out?
Me: Yes, he was down at the 'business end'.
#2: That's dreadful! YOU should have been the first to see us, not him.
Me: Well, I was offered a mirror, but that just smacked to me of too much Earth Mother for my liking, so I refused. [to #1] You're not getting jiggy are you?
#2: I hate Dad. He should have been holding your hand not watching me coming out.
Me: It is up to the mother, you know. I didn't mind. If I'd have said, Get up here now, the midwife would have got rid of him sharpish.
#2: *chunters lots of feminist curses under her breath*
#1: How many men have you had sex with, Mum?
Me: I'm not answering that question. That is my business. Are you getting jiggy?
#1: More than one? Have you been with more than Dad?
Me: *sigh* Well, yes, yes, you know I have - ICT was living with us, wasn't he?
#2: You did it in your bed? Next to my bedroom? Eeeewwww! That's DISGUSTING, MUM! I'm never going in your bed, ever again.
Me: Suits me - you kick me too much, anyway.
#1: Mum, have you ever had oral sex?
Me: Bloody hell, come on, quick, I've got to get to Asda before it shuts. Hurry up, quick!
Me, 2 minutes later: If you get jiggy, you'll be in for it, you know!
So, all my vows went out the window. I fell at hurdles I swore I wouldn't fall at. Some things are sacred, though. We went out to the shops and had a wander round until we reached the underwear section where #1 loudly proclaimed that basques were only used for porn. I felt sorry for the 40-something lady who quickly put her frilly red and black number back on the hanger and scuttled off sheepishly.
I think we have pretty much covered all 'bases' in the regular questioning, if you'll pardon the pun. I think I will be on more solid ground when we move into nuclear physics, though.
** It's almost the same thing - both concern dicks...