Wednesday, 19 September 2007

Sex Education with Hex My Ex...

It is rare that I morph into Agnes the Mother, but on this occasion, I have to report my Sunday as it may serve as both a warning and inspiration to any of you who are parents and who believe honesty is the best policy.

#2 daughter has recently had sex education at school. #1 daughter thinks she knows everything there is to know about sex from high school. I have been dreading this time as my girls don't just accept a given answer: they deconstruct it, go off at tangents, manipulate the answers to their own sick brand of humour and generally leave me a gibbering wreck.

I had always vowed to be as open and objective about 'difficult' questions since being severely damaged as a child by my mother who, when asked how big an erect penis was, wordlessly held up her little finger. As I got older, I looked at my father with pity, then as I got wiser, I realised my mother was either a liar or very bitter.

The interrogation started with one of the most ludicrous questions I have ever been asked.
#1: it true that you can die if a man pees inside you when you are having sex?
Me: Ahahahahaha! Who on earth told you that nonsense! As far as I am aware it is impossible for a man to urinate when he has an erection.
#2: What's an election**?
Me: E-R-ection...You know...hardness...
#2: Eeewwww!
#1: How do you know when they have finished?
Me: can feel it...
#1: Really? What's it feel like?
Me: Erm..sort of like a pulsing...
#1: Do they make any noise?
Me: *thinks* Oh crap!
Me: Yes, there can be a sort of 'urrgghhoooooaaaaa'...
#1 & #2: HAHAHAHA!
#2: Did Dad do that?
Me: Erm, well, at least twice - you're here, aren't you?
#2: Eeeewwww!
#1: Can they pee after they've finished then?
Me: Well, yes, they go to the toilet, don't they, if they are desperate.
#1: What if they did it inside you? Would you die then?
Me: No, I wouldn't die, but he most certainly would. I'd batter him senseless.
#1: Do you like sex, Mum?
Me: I can't remember, it's that long ago...
#1: Aw, come on, Mum. Do you, eh? Do you?
Me: Yes, yes, I do. Ok? Yes, I'd like a bit of a reminder from time to time, I guess, but from what I remember, yes, I enjoyed it.
#2: You're a minger, Mum. Eeewwww!
Me: I'm not a minger at all. You'll enjoy it one day, you know!
#2: I'm not having sex until I am at least 20. I really want to have babies, you know, but I don't fancy the idea of sex. Did Dad see us getting born?
#1: Believe me, you'll have sex before the age of 20!
Me: How do you know that? You'd better not be getting jiggy yet!
#2: Shut up Rosemary! I won't! Mum, was Dad there?
Me: Yes, he was there.
#2: But did he actually see us coming out?
Me: Yes, he was down at the 'business end'.
#2: That's dreadful! YOU should have been the first to see us, not him.
Me: Well, I was offered a mirror, but that just smacked to me of too much Earth Mother for my liking, so I refused. [to #1] You're not getting jiggy are you?
#2: I hate Dad. He should have been holding your hand not watching me coming out.
Me: It is up to the mother, you know. I didn't mind. If I'd have said, Get up here now, the midwife would have got rid of him sharpish.
#2: *chunters lots of feminist curses under her breath*
#1: How many men have you had sex with, Mum?
Me: I'm not answering that question. That is my business. Are you getting jiggy?
#1: More than one? Have you been with more than Dad?
Me: *sigh* Well, yes, yes, you know I have - ICT was living with us, wasn't he?
#2: You did it in your bed? Next to my bedroom? Eeeewwww! That's DISGUSTING, MUM! I'm never going in your bed, ever again.
Me: Suits me - you kick me too much, anyway.
#1: Mum, have you ever had oral sex?
Me: Bloody hell, come on, quick, I've got to get to Asda before it shuts. Hurry up, quick!
Me, 2 minutes later: If you get jiggy, you'll be in for it, you know!

So, all my vows went out the window. I fell at hurdles I swore I wouldn't fall at. Some things are sacred, though. We went out to the shops and had a wander round until we reached the underwear section where #1 loudly proclaimed that basques were only used for porn. I felt sorry for the 40-something lady who quickly put her frilly red and black number back on the hanger and scuttled off sheepishly.

I think we have pretty much covered all 'bases' in the regular questioning, if you'll pardon the pun. I think I will be on more solid ground when we move into nuclear physics, though.

** It's almost the same thing - both concern dicks...


Jayne said...

Haha... what's an election?

From now on I'm sending all my sex questions to YOU.

Amel's Realm said...


Oh Dad gave me a book entitled "Every Woman" when I was 20 or 21 years old. In Indo, we don't talk about sex and there's no sex education class, either. Well, there was Biology, but there was no mention of condoms or anything else other than explanations about sperms, ovums, bla bla bla bla bla...

So basically we talked about sex between friends, not with parents he he he he...

Agnes Mildew said...

Jayne: Having experienced (and got through) Sunday, I think I am almost fit for anything now. I must admit I am simply hoping they are too embarrassed to ask me q's about sexual deviances, though...I will have to feign deafness then.

Amel: You probably learned more from your school mates than I did from my mother. She told me she bought me from the Post Office in an egg and hatched me out on the settee. I believed her until last year...

Amel's Realm said...

WHHHAAATTT?!?!?! Your mother said that? Tsk tsk tsk...Actually, I did learn more from my Dad's sex ed books. I knew where he hid them so I had been reading them bit by bit when they weren't around HA HA HA HA HA...

Matt Chingduvé said...

I don't understand this post. What is sex education? What is sex? Is this the thing that gets me in trouble with the CSA? :)

Keli said...

I see you're an expert on explaining sex to girls. May I send my sons over for the same? I'm really not up to it. You have such a way with words!

Agnes Mildew said...

Matt: It only gets you in trouble with the CSA if you allow them to track you down, but with your alias, no-one will ever know but you and me...and even I can be bought, you know!

Keli: Mmmm...boys...I don't know an awful lot about them, to be honest. I could end up giving them terrible complexes, you know, forcing them to get in touch with their feminine side.

Amel: My mother has a very hallucinogenic imagination which I put down to all the vitamins she takes each day.

deathsweep said...

For the longest time I was told that I was found in the trash can; they thought I was a head of lettuce. As I got older I was suddenly adopted and had brothers GiGi and JoJo who were still in the orphanage. Sex was never discussed in my home. Anything I learned came from the streets or from willing tutors. I guess sex-ed wasn't their forte!


Linda and her Surroundings said...

After my sister got pregnant at 15 my father YELLED to me (aged 11)"Do you know what your sister did? She had sex with a man. Don't you ever do that!!!". Not sure if he meant it was okay for me to have sex with boys as opposed to men or to have sex with females as opposed to males. That was my sex education lesson.

thewishfulwriter said...

I swear, I laughed out loud at every line of this post.

I remember asking my mom (when I was in 5th grade) if it hurt when you had sex for the first time.

She looked at me like I had seven heads and then did her best to make sure I had no intention of getting jiggy with a boy anytime soon.

she did such a good job she turned me gay.

i'm just saying....


Agnes Mildew said...

DS: Parents are odd aren't they? They told my brother he had an adoptive brother called Sammy who had had to go back to the orphanage. I was also told, when Mum had forgotten her 'egg' story that I had been bought by Green Shield Stamps. For both stories, she insisted that her preference had been for a black baby.

Agnes Mildew said...

Linda: I'm fairly certain if my father had yelled the same words at me, I'd still be a virgin as I was terrified of him in my teens (what am I talking about? I still am!). But take it from me, dating 'boys' (i.e. anybody more than five years younger than you) is absolutely no fun!

Wishful: I would be very surprised if #1 daughter turned out gay - she is lad mad in a terrifying way. #2 I suspect is going to be a potty cat & dog lady with a Jolie-Pitt-like tribe of adopted babies and absolutely no interest in a relationship with any adult human. But I tell you, if they get jiggy before I did, with man or woman, there'll be TROUBLE that's for sure!

fishwithoutbicycle said...

Great post Agnes as usual :-) I pretty much learned from my friends as was traditional in my day, oh and Judy Blume books. 'Forever' and 'Are you there God it's me Margaret' were instrumental in my education. Fish

Agnes Mildew said...

Fish: I was beginning to miss you - you need to cum 'ome luv! Glad to note you are still compos mentis!

fishwithoutbicycle said...

Hi Agnes, I'm still here and reading daily, but not always having t'chance t'comment like. I'm going to buy lottery tickets this weekend. Hopefully I'll win and have no need for this working lark ;-)

Agnes Mildew said...

Well, Fish, if I win tonight with my Euro millions free ticket, I'll send you over a few quid and you can treat yourself to some sessions with a masseuse to ease your knackered back. I think I am coming out in sympathy with you, actually, as I am crocked myself, today!

alcoment said...

I'm with Fish - Judy Blume gave me most of my sex education, or at least corrected the 'facts' gleaned from the playground!

Agnes Mildew said...

Alcoment: I must admit to also having read Judy Blume a lot. At first, I just didn't believe it. It was utterly impossible that these things actually happened. Later, when I did realise it was the truth I thought adults were revolting specimens. What goes around, comes around, eh?

Mark Dykeman said...

Your mother's little finger story is the most hilarious ever!

Agnes Mildew said...

Mark: I'm pretty sure my Dad wouldn't think so if he knew!

Joanne said...

LOLs, love that asterisk comment.

I have to handle my younger sister (by five years) relationship and sex times I think I'm more embarrassed than her!

Agnes Mildew said...

Joanne: Having just realised, from checking out your blog, that your sister must be only 16, you have an edge on me and I will therefore be coming to you for advice when #1 hits that tender age. I can imagine that the questions are 'interesting' if nothing else!