Saturday, 15 September 2007

Back on the Milk Round.

I'm currently trying to find the 'job of my dreams' having stupidly turned one down two months ago for reasons which are so pathetic, I am too embarrassed to even share them with our only reader here.

August was a very, very quiet month. All the movers and shakers go off to the Bahamas to sip cocktails by the poolside, get indelible tans and sing karaoke in the bar at night when they are trollied. That doesn't stop them placing ads in the job sites, though - oh no, you see a cracking job advertised, apply for it, and within seconds, an email bounces back to you saying:

"I am currently on holiday, drinking, smoking and tanning to excess. I will probably get laid - unlike you. And while you are sitting in your house watching the rain drive down your windows, I am lapping up the sun and having a fine time. When I get back, after I have shown off my tan, shared out the Ouzo, regaled everyone with my sexual conquests and displayed my X-rated photos, I might think about contacting you with a view to an interview."

August was very disillusioning...

But September has arrived and with it, the interviews. I have been for quite a few now and am also starting the rounds of second interviews and presentations. Because my job needs 'an analytical mind' (I can calculate the calories in a wine gum if necessary - but I don't go on about it, Alcoment, so please don't send me a letter, berating me for being a diet whore!), I am often put through a series of 'intelligence tests'. Generally, these are pretty good fun, and I do enjoy them, but yesterday's left me in a cold sweat.

I was presented with two sheets of printed patterns and had to work out either the missing square, or ascertain what the next pattern in the sequence was. I'm OK on these if shaded shapes move around a pivotal point, but it's the 'dots' which get me. Do you know the ones I mean? A grid of nine squares with three or four dots in them, then the pattern alters for the second and third grids, seemingly totally randomly, and then you have to work out the logical sequence. These upset me, you know. I stare at them for ages (or as long as possible in 25 minutes) and they confound me resolutely. I just circled the pattern which appealed to me most in the end, yesterday...

I was then given a list of words which had massive chunks tippexed out of them, so only tiny bits of the original letters remained - I believe this is to check out my perceptual awareness. For ages, I was sure the word said 'bollox'...then after one last stab, I realised it said 'button'...

I finished the tests and waited to be called in to the interview proper, so as I was waiting, a lovely lady came in to chat with me. We talked about all sorts of things, ranging from children, to parents, to my living overseas, to the job. I decided to regale her with a few anecdotes in my repertoire and after 15 minutes she stopped me, and said, "I'd better not hear any more as, if you get through to the next round, I interview you with the CEO - I am Head of HR"...Damn! What did I say? Did I tell her the story about falling off the cliff, drunk, on New Year's Eve? Did I tell her about our debauched Mr & Mrs parties where everyone went home with a box of condoms as a booby prize?

So, into the interview I went, meeting with the heads of Sales & Marketing and IT. It was a very, very long interview - nearly two hours (even I didn't realise I could yap that long!) and towards the end, the candidate requirements were listed. We came to 'must have attention to detail and accurate proof-reading skills'.

"So, what are your proofing skills like?"
"Well," I replied, "I think they are pretty good. You know in your tests? You have spelt 'incorrect' wrong."
"What?" came the response. "We have spelt 'incorrect' incorrectly?"
"That is correct," I replied.
I am such a smart-arse, sometimes...

So, it's a jolly good job, and definitely up there in 'dream jobs which I want when I am big', but knowing my luck, my ability to offend without realising it, and my inability to pass a drugs test, I shall end up at Tesco's, gutting fish for a living, where my Shakespearian swottings will really come in handy: "Prithee, Sirra, the world is your oyster this fine morn - and your smoked haddock and cod loin."

16 comments:

Jayne said...

Oooh! Good luck! Sounds like you're even better at interviewing than I am. I once actually mentioned the word "porn", in context, at a job interview. Haha. The scary thing is that I got the job.

Agnes Mildew said...

Jayne: I'd really like to know what job that interview was for...in context, of course...

barby said...

your posts crack me up every time. you've won an award for being hilarious, and you can pick it up here.

Agnes Mildew said...

Barby: Thanks very, very much for this - I am most honoured! Do you take used dollar notes?

alcoment said...

Ok, as long as you promise not to go on about the calories in a wine gum, I promise not to send you a letter!

Hope you get the job, let us know. Those tests sound scary, there's no way I could do them. It sounds like you're good at interviews. I wouldn't worry about your chat with the head of HR. When I interviewed for the job I'm in now, I let out the loudest burp you've ever heard mid-answer and then blamed them for giving me very strong coffee! They seemed to like it though and offered me the job a couple of hours later...

Agnes Mildew said...

Ach, Alcoment, You Dirty Mare!! That was utterly hilarious and made cackle out loud, so that the cat shot off like a bat from hell in fright!

I will certainly let you know if I am successful...blimey, I think I will probably take out a full page ad in the Times, to be honest, I'd be so chuffed!

Keli said...

They are absolute idiots if they don't offer you the position. I'd much rather have a person with a delightful and entertaining personality such as yourself than a witless arse.
Once, during an interview, I forgot how to speak English. Instead of saying, "Nice to meet you." I said, "Nice to meese you." Needless to say, I didn't get that job.

Agnes Mildew said...

Keli: Thank you for the reference. I shall forward it to the company forthwith. They needn't know you are my long-lost cousin twice removed...

Shame you didn't get the job because of the slip-up...then again, you weren't applying for a Speech Therapist's position were you?!

Keli said...

Thank you for honoring me with the "Rockin' Girl Blogger" Award. I will place it on my blog the moment I figure it how to do it.
And thank you for spending ages on my site and reading thru old posts! I appreciate your time. If I am able to display even half the wit of you British scribes, I would die happy.

Agnes Mildew said...

Keli: You are very welcome and it is a pleasure to pass it on to you!

thewishfulwriter said...

If they don't hire you, I will send hate mail.

I'll do it too.

And I'll say how unfair it is of them to discreminate against women who are witty, intelligent and have the ability to entertain hordes of co-workers with tales of dating gone bad.

I'd kill to have a co-worker or boss like you.

mostly so i could hear you say arse. a lot.

Agnes Mildew said...

Heather: Really? You'd kill to have a boss/colleague like me?
First of all, thanks - I am most flattered.
Second, come over here, bump off my top three despised exes, and I will boss you around and say 'arse' as much as you want...

thewishfulwriter said...

Deal.

I'm on my way.

Sure hope the airport bag checkers don't question the items in my bag.

But then again, perhaps they won't know how dangerous a stapler and yarn can be....

deathsweep said...

Hey Good luck with it! Sounds as if it's one you "will" like "when" they call you back! The HR lady just gave you a heads up - you will see her again!

DS

By the way, congrats on the award. I just got 2 myself am I supposed to pass these on? Didn't know that if I do.

Agnes Mildew said...

Heather: The hideout is waiting for you as I write. Just pick up some fish & chips and diet coke from the back on your way, and we can plot the coup!

DS: I have my fingers crossed, my toes crossed and my eyes crossed, just in case my typing goes awry! Yes, I think you are supposed to pass on the awards. Like Matt, I don't think you'd especially want the Rockin' Girl Blogger, though, would you?

deathsweep said...

No thanks on the award!