I have had such a lazy day today. I have done diddly-squat bar talk to myself, feed the menagerie and then treated myself to half the Amazonian rainforest by purchasing The Daily Telegraph on Saturday. I confess to a sneaky ulterior motive for occasionally buying weekend papers - the free catalogues aimed at the age 60+ population which are a source of smug mirth to me. Now, I know I have recently criticised I Want One of Those.com in this blog, but I have nothing but admiration and covetousness for the products contained within the Clifford James Saturday Supplement, and so I fell on it with voracious glee.
I now have my wish list for Christmas - forget the metallic snot - I Want One of These!
First up is the Crazy Hen which, due to its sprung legs, tail and wings, can 'wobble even in the lightest of breezes'! I would want about ten of these dotted in my back garden to confuse and confound the cats. I have no doubt that the bunnies would try to hump them, as is their wont, but I could also use the hens as target practise for whenever I need to barrel off a load of rotten apples at Norman (kitten) who persists in using the area under my washing line as his toilet, much to my chagrin. As I like to go barefoot as often as possible, you can probably agree that a foot treatment à la Norman turds is not particularly pleasant and I get my revenge whenever I can.
And what would I do without a Pet Ramp? Yes, I know that none of my pets would be seen dead in my car, unless they were going to the Vee Ee Tee's, but what a cracking idea? My one concern is that they are marketing them for the elderly and infirm canine who's not as steady on his pins any more, but wouldn't an older dog prefer to veg out in front of the fire, twitching and farting in his sleep? However, if you bought two, you could then wheel granny up into the boot, and take her for a ride instead!
In the Personal Health section is a corking offer - buy one ear cleaner, get another ear cleaner free! I know this wouldn't be of much value to the likes of Van Goch, but I could have great fun hoovering both my ears at the same time: "This innovative ear vac, gently removes the wax without prodding, poking, pain or damaging the delicate ear canal." My only reservation is if my brain started to come away with the wax.
(Just as an aside here, my ex used to suffer with bad ear wax and one day had his ears syringed. He returned home brandishing a test tube containing a huge lump of black ear wax which almost looked animal due to the protrusion of hairs, food and grit. He had a fine time displaying it to our dinner guests that night, much to my complete mortification.)
I also want a portable LED head torch, as I have always fancied trying out a bit of speleology from time to time. One minute of charging gives 20 minutes light, which is a pretty good return on investment, I am sure you will agree. OK, I might not get very far into the caves before having to make a run for it, but with the 'free wind-up charger for your Nokia phone', if I got into serious difficulties, I could always dial 999 (signal permitting) and get rescued by some brave, rugged, heroic Mountain Rescue sort (preferably male).
My final (literally) desire, is for A SOLAR POWERED MEMORIAL LIGHT!! Oh, I feel almost orgasmic at this! I so want this tasteful piece of garden ornamentry in my back garden. I could turn it into a sort of wish-list cenotaph and prop up a list of all my exes underneath it. Best of all, it is made of acrylic, so it won't rust, get mossy, and any bird poo can be wiped off with a bit of Cilit Bang! I'd like to shake the hand of the person who came up with this idea...
So, there you have it. Don't sit around fretting what to buy your loved ones this Christmas, just visit Clifford James online if you aren't as lucky as me to get the catalogue in your newspaper and get all your gifts in one fell swoop. You can guarantee, they'll not be getting duplicates from anyone else!