I might be on to something here, you know. It has dawned on me that the only reason our reader visits this blog is to pick up on my insults. So, just for you, I have wracked my brains to think of all my favourite insults, which I use, if not to people’s faces, definitely under my breath.
Disclaimer: I rarely swear in my posts as my oldest daughter reads them. I dock her pocket money if she swears, so if she catches me swearing, I have to begrudgingly surrender my pennies. However, a decent insult can rarely be delivered without the odd profanity.
On their attractiveness:
He/she has a face like:
a) a slapped arse
b) a bulldog licking piss off a nettle
c) it’s been set alight and put out with a shovel
d) it's been hit with an ugly stick
On facial features:
a) Looks like she’s breaking her teeth in for a horse
b) His hair’s that greasy, you could fry an egg on it
c) Do you think his mother wanted to keep the placenta when she saw that face?
d) She’s got a gob on her like the Mersey Tunnel
e) He’s got football eyes: one’s home; one’s away
On their intelligence:
a)When he walks into a room, the average IQ goes down by 50 points
b) If she had another brain cell, she’d be a plant/dangerous
On their body size/shape:
a) You could hang-glide with her knickers
b) She’s got her legs on upside down (if unfortunate victim has ‘cankles’)
c) When he bends down, there’s a total eclipse of the sun
Regarding their sexual promiscuity:
a) She’s been banged more times than the lavatory door
b) He’s poked the fire many a time without looking at the mantelpiece
* There are many, many more of these, but they are so crude, I cannot repeat them for fear of having my mouth scrubbed out with soap and water. If you send me your address and a cheque for £1.23, I shall post them to you...
Regarding their generosity:
a) He’s so tight, if you shoved a lump of coal up his arse, it’d come out a diamond next week
b) He’s tighter than a duck’s arse, and that’s water-tight
c) She’s so tight, she’d skin a turd to save money
(Money issues are all about bottoms, I’m afraid…)
Well, since I am under pressure to break up World War 3.75 (of today), which has arisen over who gets the Cadbury’s orange crème, I must leave it here and bid you adieu. Believe it or not, I am very generous with praise, where praise is due, but as I am generally surrounded by idiots, my insults get way more exercise. And I am just about to use some right now!