Sunday, 16 September 2007

The Hexer's Brief Guide to Insults

I might be on to something here, you know. It has dawned on me that the only reason our reader visits this blog is to pick up on my insults. So, just for you, I have wracked my brains to think of all my favourite insults, which I use, if not to people’s faces, definitely under my breath.

Disclaimer: I rarely swear in my posts as my oldest daughter reads them. I dock her pocket money if she swears, so if she catches me swearing, I have to begrudgingly surrender my pennies. However, a decent insult can rarely be delivered without the odd profanity.

On their attractiveness:

He/she has a face like:

a) a slapped arse
b) a bulldog licking piss off a nettle
c) it’s been set alight and put out with a shovel
d) it's been hit with an ugly stick

On facial features:

a) Looks like she’s breaking her teeth in for a horse
b) His hair’s that greasy, you could fry an egg on it
c) Do you think his mother wanted to keep the placenta when she saw that face?
d) She’s got a gob on her like the Mersey Tunnel
e) He’s got football eyes: one’s home; one’s away

On their intelligence:

a)When he walks into a room, the average IQ goes down by 50 points
b) If she had another brain cell, she’d be a plant/dangerous

On their body size/shape:

a) You could hang-glide with her knickers
b) She’s got her legs on upside down (if unfortunate victim has ‘cankles’)
c) When he bends down, there’s a total eclipse of the sun

Regarding their sexual promiscuity:

a) She’s been banged more times than the lavatory door
b) He’s poked the fire many a time without looking at the mantelpiece

* There are many, many more of these, but they are so crude, I cannot repeat them for fear of having my mouth scrubbed out with soap and water. If you send me your address and a cheque for £1.23, I shall post them to you...

Regarding their generosity:

a) He’s so tight, if you shoved a lump of coal up his arse, it’d come out a diamond next week
b) He’s tighter than a duck’s arse, and that’s water-tight
c) She’s so tight, she’d skin a turd to save money

(Money issues are all about bottoms, I’m afraid…)

Well, since I am under pressure to break up World War 3.75 (of today), which has arisen over who gets the Cadbury’s orange crème, I must leave it here and bid you adieu. Believe it or not, I am very generous with praise, where praise is due, but as I am generally surrounded by idiots, my insults get way more exercise. And I am just about to use some right now!


alcoment said...

Fantastic! The art of the great insult is no longer dead.

These are very funny (and insulting!) and there are some new ones for me to add to my list, ready to bring out at any opportunity! Thanks Agnes, yet again you are proving to be a wise and wonderful teacher...

deathsweep said...

One of the major reasons I read your writing is to laugh and I chuckle the hardest when I hear expressions you use that are completely foreign to me yet utterly understandable!


I truly do LOL at times but I know better than to let you know!

Linda and her Surroundings said...

A guy I fancied about 100 years ago said to me "You are such a healthy looking girl" and I took that as an insult (ie, he meant I was fat I am sure). I have a badge someone gave to me which implies I a may be a bit unfriendly. It says "do I look like a fucking people person". Now, armed with your insults I shall make wearing that badge justifiable.

Agnes Mildew said...

Alcoment: It is obviously my duty to mentor and spread the word. I am sure you will be my prize student.

DS: Good, I am glad you are laughing! Nothing better than a jolly good belly laugh to set you up for the working week!

Linda: The expression on your badge is one of my favourites - I would strongly urge you to use it! Like you, I was delivered a back-handed insult by a chap many years ago. He told me I was just like a bottle of Lambrusco - which I successfully interpreted as lots of gas and very cheap.

Keli said...

Thank you for listing your creative insults as I am in constant need of cleverly responding to idiots-at-large. Those dealing with money issues are particularly helpful as I am currently engrossed in a study on miserly stupidity. I had no idea the focus was on bottoms. Absolutely valuable information!

Amel's Realm said...

Oh many types of insults he he he he...

fishwithoutbicycle said...

These are great. I'm going to be racking my brains trying to think of others this afternoon. Hope you manage to resolve world war 3.75. My family would be gobsmacked there is a Cadbury's Orange Creme war occurring anywhere, we're all about the nuts in our little enclave of Yorkshire. If we get a box of Milk Tray at Christmas I'll post you our leftover soft centres ;-)

Stealth said...

What a handy guide! I have a few I am trying to memorize so I can fake wittiness the next time I'm gossipping.

Agnes Mildew said...

Keli: You provide me with your topics, I shall provide you with the appropriate insult. It is the least I can do to assist you in your ongoing exposure of stupers.

Amel: That is only the tip of the iceberg, my dear!

FWB: Yes, I am averse to the soft centres, too. Thankfully, the hard ones go into my mouth (and I WASN'T being rude there, either!!) and the girls simply kill each other for the strawberry and orange cremes. I tend to just stick my iPod into my ears these days so I don't have to listen to it...

Stealth: You certainly don't have to fake wittiness! But enjoy using the insults. Delivery is the key, though; you need just that certain amount of snarkiness combined with a smidgen of dead-pan manner!

fishwithoutbicycle said...

Another cheeky wee award for your growing collection( Love ya. Fish xx

thewishfulwriter said...

This particular post of yours has now become one of my favorites.

I'm still a huge fan of "set alight and put out with a shovel."

my friend Kory uses another that I'm quite fond of:

"your face is such a mess not even the Red Cross can help."

It's mean. But I laughed. I can't help it.

Agnes Mildew said...

FWB: Many thanks for this - I shall have to start clearing my virtual mantlepiece to put them on!

Heather: Kory's insult is first class. I've never heard an equivalent over here, so I shall make it my duty to ensure the word is spread!

The Boston Bachelor said...

I had a good chuckle; funny stuff.

The Boston Bachelor

Agnes Mildew said...

Boston Bachelor: Many thanks for dropping by. Your site is a wealth of information and I shall make sure I visit it on a regular basis.