Thursday, 30 August 2007

You Know Where You Can Stick These Gifts...

I decided to have a wander around our local town the other day to see if I could pick up any bargains at the Charity Shops to pass off as brand new on my next outing with a date (when hell freezes over) and started to notice just how many of these kitsch gift shops are springing up everywhere with names such as The Friendly Banana Kabin, Butterflies, Bling & Bows and Chunky Monkey’s Chunka Junk (probably).

I wandered into one and was quite amazed at the tat that is on sale, attached to an astronomical price tag.

expensive snot
For instance, I can buy some Space Putty, which is “an un-put-downable liquid lava goo. What once used to be silly, and occasional potty, has now become spacey”. For £4.95! But it’s just metallic snot! And what do I need it for? If I was to purchase it for a friend, what does it say about my opinion of them? That they are obviously easily amused and have little neural activity going on in the old grey matter? If somebody bought me this, I would go back to their house and fling it at their newly painted walls, leaving a *flobbering* metallic stain to remind them of how cheap they are.

A stupid moaning robot
So what about a Gupi retailing at £39.95? For the uninitiated amongst you, the Gupi is a robot guinea pig which is a cuddly version of the Tamagochi pets that were all the rave a few years ago. Gupi has to be fed, watered, cuddled, talked to and can make MORE THAN 30 DIFFERENT SOUNDS! Oh whizzo! Not only do I have two cats which never stop yowling at me for a few crates of Whiskas every hour, now there’s a flippin’ paranoid robot which will moan at me, too. Why not just buy a real guinea pig – they don’t make more than a few odd squeaks and certainly won’t get emotional hang-ups if you don’t pass the time of day with them. A highly-strung furry robot? Whatever next?

Just squash them, you poof!
Well, I shall tell you! I present to you, The Spider Catcher, retailing at only £9.95. As you can see, it resembles some sort of dental torture tool, but I am assured that it “wouldn’t hurt a fly”. Well, I am sorry, but that just isn’t the point. For flies, I have my good old trusty Vapona, and for spiders, I have the newspaper or my Doc Martens. If they leave a splattery mess, the cloth and the vac come out to get rid of the crunchy bits. Yes, it may sound cruel, but I am scared stiff of spiders and there’s no way I am going to faff about trying to pick up something that ought to be saddled and raced in the Grand National.

The mind boggles
For £6.95, I can buy a USB Humping Dog. Really, I can. You plug this carnal canine into your USB port and watch it hump the PC tower. Those long winter evenings must simply fly by. There is a certain breed of male who would buy these in bulk and stare at them fixatedly through his working day, tittering dirtily and inviting anyone who comes past, to watch Rover hump his PC. It is the closest thing he will get to sex all year...

I could just imagine buying my mother one of these for her birthday.

Me: Happy Birthday, Mum. Hope you like it.
Mum: Oooh, thanks: a USB humping dog. Did you know you were adopted at birth?

Annoy your workmates
If any of these gifts appeal to you, dear reader, you can view them and a great deal more at the online gift shop I Want One Of Those. But let me state quite categorically, that if any of you decide to buy me something for my birthday, I only want the USB Missile Launcher as I would like to pretend to be a Politician for a day.

17 comments:

karen said...

A USB humping dog?! Fascinating. And they come in assorted colors, because, you know, that would be important. What a find!

Agnes Mildew said...

Well, Karen, I guess the range of colours is to reflect the geek's mood. Brown: dull; Different shades of Brown; recklessly dull; Black & white: Living on the edge of dull today.

I still think one of my best kitsch gifts has to be the Mosque Alarm Clock which I picked up in Oman. At the alarm, it sings the full azzan (call to prayer) at top volume. It used to make my oldest daughter cry her eyes out with fear.

Unsurprisingly, it was made in China.

Amel's Realm said...

LOL! LOL! LOL!

I only know one thing: the spider catcher. My hubby said it was stupid he he he...

When it comes to the other stuff...they're NUTS!!! I kept on reading while laughing and gaping my mouth open WIDE!!!

Matt Chingduvé said...

I have a rude idea or two as to what to do with that 'space snot', but here's not the place!

"A highly-strung furry robot? Whatever next?"

Agnes, I almost MARRIED something fitting that description!!

Agnes Mildew said...

Amel: I only discovered the online site because my exboyfriend received the catalogue on a quarterly basis.

He paid £10 for a plastic keyring which had an LED in it so he could find the keyhole on his car...he had automatic unlocking...sad...

Agnes Mildew said...

Matt: Could she squeak 30 different sounds, though?

Nim said...

Matt's post really made me laugh...!!!! Those shops... yeah we have lots of them in our nice new spangly shopping mall where I live. I liked the old place better. {sigh}

E-Babe said...

I can't stop laughing...

Agnes Mildew said...

Well Nim, as you suggest you aren't that far from The Stretton Fox, I suggest you take a trip into Northwich one day and have a root around. Even if you don't want to visit the kitsch shops, the charity shops are pretty good and I really like browsing the fishmongers. It gives me a sense of purpose to my day.

Agnes Mildew said...

E-Babe: Keep on laughing. It uses less muscles than when you scowl (so they say).

thewishfulwriter said...

shit.

here i thought i'd finished all my holiday shopping for you early.

i'd leave a longer comment, but i have a lot of returns to make...

Agnes Mildew said...

Heather: You can return everything else. I only want a missile launcher so I can stop pretending to be a despot and get some proper work experience for my CV.

alcoment said...

Ha, these remind me of those dancing plastic flowers that were all over the place a few years ago. The worrying thing is that I bet they sell a LOT of these things!

Tara Chingduvé said...

Ha ha! That made me laugh! The metallic snot: I've gotta have some of that :D

Tara

Agnes Mildew said...

Alcoment: My mother bought those dancing flowers for my children. On her annual visit to Oman, she brought them out. For three whole weeks, I only had to open my mouth and those gurning plants would gyrate provocatively in front of me. As soon as she departed, 'the batteries went flat'.

Agnes Mildew said...

Tara; As you are under 18, you have every right to have metallic snot. It is people who ought to know better about whom I worry...

madharry said...

I got a remote control guppy guinea pig fro merlins ltd...There great ...they follow you around and ask for food great if your young one wants a real pet ..This is better!