Tuesday, 4 September 2007

Is That Bull Sh*t I Can Smell?

Lookin' rough, Kate!
So, I was reliably informed, yesterday, that, ‘Kate Moss has her third Top Shop collection out, like and it’s soooo gorgeous and she has these reeeaaaally cool scarves which go down to your feet, like, (handy for tripping over and blaming, when you are high as a kite (or should that be 'kate'?) on cocaine) and ohmygod, I just reeeaaaallly, have to have a pair of her new kick leg jeans. Like.’

I was dragged over to look at the collection displayed in the paper and my immediate thought was, Bloody hell, there’s that talentless, ill-looking tosser, creaming money off the public to fund her bloody drugs habit AGAIN! The clothes were OK, but no better than what I could get in the charity shops for a fraction of the price.

Imagine how Eco-Friendly these are after air transportation?I am so bored with these B-listers releasing their eponymous perfumes, handbags, aftershaves, jeans, salad dressings etc. Is there a single Po’ White Trash B-lister who hasn’t released a fragrance yet? I think Britney has about four out, so far. And they’re all to mask the smell of spew when she decides to barf (again) over anyone within a five metre radius of her. Kylie has a fragrance, J-Lo has a fragrance, Jade Goodie (she of one brain cell and racist tendencies) has a fragrance, even David Beckham has a fragrance. And do you know what? They All Smell The Same. Honestly.

For the purposes of research, I toddled off down to our local chemist on Saturday morning to annoy the hell out of the lazy shop assistants, who like nothing better than to analyse the prescriptions from the doctor and go into a huddle at the back and gossip about Mrs Pritchard’s most recent STD, Amelia Smythe’s boil and where it might be, and my addiction to Solpadeine, instead of bloody serving me!!

So, I harrumphed and coughed at the perfume counter, until one of them waddled over. And it was the one who really unnerves me as she has football eyes (one home, one away), teeth that remind me of roof slates, sinus problems, and the broadest Cheshire accent you could stumble across (for broad Cheshire, read, thick-sounding).

She immediately tried to fob me off with one of the Beckham Brand toiletries, but I was there for the duration, and demanded to go through all of them, exposing various pale and uninteresting parts of my body in the name of science.

Nope, I am not curious. At all.
First up, Britney’s Curious, a ‘white floral wrapped in the sensuality of vanilla-infused musk with base notes of puke (I made that last bit up)’. The bottle is nasty. A squat, plasticky-looking blue thing which just screams Trailer Trash at you. The smell was revolting. It reminded me of one of those perfumes your Dad buys you for Christmas when you are eight: always by Lentheric.

J-Lo’s Love At First Glow was next. Even the name made me cringe – that woman goes through blokes like a dose of Epsom Salts. And when I was in my yoof, there was an expression we chanted: ‘Ladies Glow, Men Perspire and Horses Sweat’. So basically, we stick this perfume on at the first sign of BO, eh? The smell was cloying, sickly and my temples started to pulse alarmingly.

Nasty bottle reflecting colours of tacky undies
So, I moved on to Jade Goodie’s ‘Shh…’, which is a superb brand name, as it is exactly what the British public would like her to do. Sales of this perfume have plummeted since her racist faux pas on one of the Big Brothers, I believe. Somehow, though, I don’t think it would be high up on any discerning woman’s Christmas Wish List. Insipid, cheap-smelling and nothing to recommend it. At all.

Celine Dion’s Belong ‘was inspired by a woman’s inner beauty…’ So, if you are butt ugly on the outside, squirt some of this behind your ear lugs and all of a sudden, your inner beauty will be revealed. Is that what you are trying to tell me?

I wish I could write some of this marketing tosh. I’d be laughing all the way to the bank. My ageing mother had tried Belong on last time she was carted off to hospital and had thence escaped to the hospital gift shop. I think she was hinting strongly to my father that she wouldn’t mind a bottle, but he was having none of it and changed the subject to the progress of his runner beans. This perfume, too, was nasty and reminded me of those sweeties that pull your fillings out as your jaw desperately tries to masticate them - Chewits.

This is for a Bloke?
I was starting to get a thumping headache by this time and decided that I would call it quits, but not before casting a beady eye over the men’s fragrances. Aftershaves possess such namby-pamby names these days, such as ‘Style In Play’; ‘Instinct’; ‘Le Male’ (which just sounds as though somebody is experimenting with Franglais); ‘Declaration’; ‘Ultravoilet’ and ‘Loser’ (probably). At least we knew where we stood with Brüt. Naff as it was, there was no risk of it being mistaken for women’s fragrance. These days, all men’s stuff has to shout its gender-orientation at you - Pour Homme, For Him, Men’s Fragrance - as the bottles, smells and names are so effeminate, you could quite easily purchase some for a woman.

So, I staggered out into the semi-fresh air and walked back home, marvelling at how easy it is for talentless oiks to make even more money these days, purely by putting their name on some scented water.

so ferreee, cross der Merzeee
When I become rich and famous, I am going to launch my own product range. And I shall call it Mersey. Mersey for Blokes, and Mersey for Lasses. All perfumes will be authenticated by containing pure River Mersey water; the lotions will contain a bit of Mersey Trout; and the scrubs, a smidgen of riverbed dredging to really take the dead skin off. If I tap the river up by the pet food factory, you may even find some chicken’s feet in there too. A sure winner, of that I am certain.

Photos courtesy of stock308.com; Daily Mail; Kelkoo


Amel's Realm said...

HI HI HI HI HI...Poor Agnes. You went through ALL that trouble just to get a headache? That's why I stay out of the perfume section. I dislike smelling different kinds of perfume. One is enough for me, thank you. I don't need headache.

Mersey Trout and Chicken Feet? LOL!!! Don't you know what people in Indo EAT chicken feet? They're pretty TASTY, you know, if you cook them right he he he...;-D

Jayne said...

The things you are willing to do in the name of blogging! I would never have endured such horror!

Poor dear... how about a nice cup of tea. (That seems to fix everything.)

Agnes Mildew said...

Amel: I bet the people in Indo don't eat Mersey Trout. Anyone who has the misfortune to do so, ends up having their stomach pumped.

Jayne: I am a martyr to the cause. Sod the tea, where's the Scotch?

Amel's Realm said...

Nah, I don't think we have Trout in Indo. Gladly. So nobody has to get their stomach pumped he he he...

Agnes Mildew said...

Amel: If you click on the Mersey Trout link, you will find that they are actually found all over the world, but in great abundance in this filthy river.

Nim said...

Iffn you want I can fix you up with a bottle of River Mersey water on my way home. It'll save much hassle in coming into contact with the local chavs.

Matt Chingduvé said...

amel, I have a song called 'Chicken Necks' and I couldn't believe that people eat them! I'd like to try them, but then again I've eaten Horse before....

Agnes Mildew, I have to say well done for exposing the perfume farce that faces women these days. May I take this opportunity to remind our reader(s) about your beauty tips:


Amel's Realm said...

Agnes: Dang, I can't find the Indonesian word of trout, so I don't know what they are in Indonesian. Hmmpphhh...Yeah, I just found out that the river is filthy he he he...

Matt: Chicken neck is WONDERFUL, especially if you need to make some type of meatballs...then it's BEST to use a bit of chicken neck meat as then the meatballs will be YUMMIER!!!

You ate horse meat before? You ate MY FRIEND?!?!?! LOL!!! I'm a Horse in a Chinese horoscope hi hi hi...Btw, how was it, horse meat? Was it tasty? ;-D

fishwithoutbicycle said...

I never knew Jade Goodie's perfume was named 'Shh..' That's classic.

Couldn't agree with you more on your summation of Kate Moss. I'm tired of these tiresome minor celebs being paid millions as some sort of reward for their bad behavior.


Matt Chingduvé said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Matt Chingduvé said...

I'm sorry that I ate your friends and, indirectly, you, amel!

Horse meat reminded me of beef but a bit lighter and sweeter. It was purchased in a supermarket in France called Champion when I was over there on holiday years ago. All I could think of was Champion the superhorse!

I feel really guilty now :)

alcoment said...

Now, this is one time I'm glad I was born without a sense of smell (it does have a long name, that I can't either spell or pronounce!). Even just looking at the bottles makes me cringe. And I'm also fed up with all the clothing ranges and so on. I wouldn't take fashion tips from any of them, so why would I be interested in their clothes?!

Amel's Realm said...

Matt: No worries. My friends and I can always mate and create more of us. LOL!!!

So it reminded you of beef, eh? Interesting! ;-D

Agnes Mildew said...

Matt: Jolly good plug of old blogs there - well done, that man!

Nim: Make sure you tap the water from the Granox end for those extra, meaty chunks! And what's happened to your blog? Every time I click onto it, I receive Error 404...haven't you paid your rent this week?

FWB: Kate Moss is a hasbeen. I just wish the rest of the world would wake up and see that, too. Boring, boring, boring.

Alcoment: I can think of numerous instances in this household where the lack of the sense of smell is a bonus - especially when the kitten, Norman, has dumped (yet again) on the lawn, and I unsuspectingly mow the grass and there is a 'flock of sparrows' spattering up from the blades. I hate that cat...

thewishfulwriter said...

I CAN NOT stop laughing. Oh my god.

my aunt bought me Curious for Christmas.

Had I known you were interested, I'da sent it to you.

I don't think you'll be shocked to learn it's still in the box.....

I was too afraid if i wore it, i'd become a trashy whore who ate Cheetos and dropped her babies.

Honestly. Who wants that?

E-Babe said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Agnes Mildew said...

Heather: Scratch out all the references to Britney, but leave the 'B' and put a 'J' either side of it - then send it to E-Babe for Christmas, claiming Jon Bon Jovi is behind it.

E-Babe: He has, and you are going to get a bottle for Christmas.

Agnes Mildew said...

Heather: Short caveat here - I love Cheetos and have, on occasion, dropped babies. But I can firmly guarantee that I do not dye my naturally dark hair with a blond stripe down the parting.