Ten Top Tips to Get Pay-Back! Instalment One

Some of you may be wondering, What's all this hexing about? When are we going to get into the downright bitter, nasty, let's dish the dirt on the ex stuff...Well, OK, I shall titillate your senses a little to give you a foretaste of what is to come on the HexMyEx website when it is launched.

I shall be writing things from the female's point of view and no doubt, my friend and collaborator Matt Chingduvé will ably assist from the male's side.

So, how do we hex our exes, girls? How do we curse that rat and get our own backs once and for all? Well, I shall give you my top ten tips, five today, five tomorrow...(some of these can also be applied to nasty bosses, male or female, too)

1.If you have the misfortune to be dating a married man and you suspect his plaintive cries of “She just doesn't understand me like you do” are a pile of poo, particularly when you bump into his work colleagues who have just been out with him to wet his new baby's head, you must slip a sealed envelope into his jacket pocket for his wife to find next time she puts a delicates wash on, which has emblazoned all over the front, Gonorrhea, Here Today Burra Gonna Termorrer. Open Now for Your Test Result! Inside, ensure that there is a professional-looking letter, addressed to the cheating two-timer stating that his gonorrhea has been found mainly in the anal area (make sure you smear some cochineal on his undies) and requires further rectal examinations forthwith.

2.Pick up a mucky dirty wino off the streets and treat him to a few burgers and chips, mash up lots of carrots and turnips to smear over the fast food. Treat the wino to a bottle of meths and then drag him over to your ex's new car. While the wino stands around bewildered, wondering what is going on, ply him with sickly chocolate cake. The wino will then vomit violently all over the car and with all the meths hurtling out, the paint will strip off his car faster than you can say Lady Boys of Bangkok. Give the wino a fiver so he can go and buy 48 cans of Carling Black Label and tell him, Same time, same place, next week.

3.I am reliably informed by Matt that this next curse is called the Flaming Pasty, but basically what you do is gather up some fresh dog poo (cat is better as it smells so foul and is much more viscous, but it's quantity over quality, I'm afraid), wrap it loosely in some old newspaper, and place it on his doorstep. Squirt a bit of lighter fuel on it, casually drop a lit match on top, ring the doorbell and leg it. Hide behind some bushes and enjoy the spectacle of your ex attempting to put out the package by stamping furiously on it. If the poo is fresh enough, he may vomit; he will probably retch...he will certainly stink as if something has crawled up his bottom and died.

4.Get a photograph of him and upload it onto a dating website. List his hobbies as toad-sexing, train-spotting, trying to cure his impotence and knitting cardigans. Give his vital statistics as 5'1”; weight 240lb; hair: plenty in the ears and nose; eyes: blind; pets: cockroaches; Likes: playing with rubber ducks in puddles, picking his nose and eating it, putting earwigs down his underpants, and scratching his bum, then sniffing it. Dislikes: intelligent, sexy, vibrant, honest women - obviously, that's why he dumped you...Email the link to all his friends and work colleagues anonymously.

5.Send him a subscription to Playgirl magazine or Fistf*ckers International and have it sent to his work address.

More utterly evil, twisted thoughts from me tomorrow, but in the meantime, I shall hand you over to Sir Matt...