Ask Agnes

Auntie Agnes

I am single, but have recently wanted to start dating again. A man at work who I quite liked asked me out on a date, and I agreed. However, he turned up wearing a corduroy suit which is a big no-no in anybody’s book. When I asked him to take them off, he got the wrong idea and we both got arrested on obscenity charges. After a few weeks of anger, I’ve agreed to date him again. Do you have any tips on how I can totally ruin his life on the next date? I can only think of pulling his wig off, slapping his bald head and singing ballads from South Pacific.

Yours

Mabel Fable-Table


Dear Mabel Fable-Table,

What a dreadful situation for you, and how painful it must have been when he turned up in corduroy. I think I would have pretended that you were a Care in the Community case. That would have confused him greatly and he would have run a mile.

Anyway, that is beside the point. Didn't your Uncle Albert ever tell you not to screw the crew? It is a big no-no because if you don't get it on in the bedroom area, how are you going to face him at work the next day? I could tell you a few stories about the excommunicated priest I got jiggy with and how, when I dumped him, he decided to tell everyone in the office about the time we were in bed with a rhi...

So, how to get your own back on this nasty piece of work. OK, he is a wig-wearer. What you need to do is get down to the Red Light district of Moss Side and see if you can find any merkin-wearing prostitutes. Make sure the lady of the night in question is one of very dubious character and is repeatedly scratching her groin.

Agree to meet him again and this time, no matter what he is wearing (you can get it whipped off in no time at all), get cosy with him. After he has 'performed' and is snoring like a fat-headed old hippo, remove his wig, smear his chrome dome with Super Glue and stick on afore-said dirty merkin. The itching and smell will wake him up very soon. Ensure you have called Rentokil and they are there, ready and waiting with their fumigators. And let them rip!

He won't ever want to see you again...for the simple reason that the chemicals will have blinded him.

Hope this is of some help to you, Mabel, but if not, I don't really care that much.

Agnes x