Monday, 25 June 2007

Due to Popular Demand...Your Problems Answered!

It would appear that many of you are struggling with relationship problems, even before you have become a thwarted ex.

So, due to popular demand, Matt Chingduvé and myself, Agnes Mildew are taking on our avuncular and materteral roles to aid you with your problems. Our first query this evening came from Slippery Suzie who writes:

Dear Auntie Agnes
I have been with my boyfriend for five years. I have been noticing recently that he has been coming late from work with lipstick and creosote all over him. He works in the city, and has a good job, but I can't help thinking he's messing about with transvestite council workers. I confronted him, but he got angry and started flicking frozen peas about the room. Please help me.

Auntie Agnes replies:

Dear Suzie,

Don't worry about this, your boyfriend is obviously going through a new stage in his life where he is experimenting with new lubricants. Didn't you know that lipstick contains whale blubber? One of the best lubricants in the universe. He is obviously constipated which is why he is fixated with pea flicking. It reminds him of his inferior bowel movements at the moment.

If you wish to discuss this further with me, please call 0898-ArseholesAnon. Calls will cost only £15.76 per minute and last a maximum of two hours.

1 comment:

Matt Chingduvé said...

I think you've got your helpline number wrong, Agnes. I rang it up and got an irate farmer threatening me with various horticultural implements! Ouch !