Ferrets, Fools and Futility

Dear Auntie Agnes

Plz can u hlp me cos my m8 sez u r good.
My gf has left cos she is sick of txt spk. I say she div lol
Can u help

Luv

Richard

Dear Richard,

Or may I call you Dick, considering you like to shorten everything?

The conundrum surrounding ‘Text Speak’is that it causes a terminal case of aprosexia to set in, which is probably affecting your grandma’s ferret – I assume this is what you mean by gf?

Ferrets are highly intelligent, xeric creatures, which cannot be doing with desipient meanderings of a dandiprat, such as you.

Obviously, the problem is becoming ingravescent and I would suggest that you take up a hobby such as the study of orthoptera or Euplexoptera or perhaps try out a bit of stegophily. My own personal hobby is notaphily and I am always grateful if a correspondent sends me a new item for my collection.

There is always the chance that your grandma has become constipated and is forcing her ferret to become nucivorous, attempting to recreate a sort of sympathetic catharsis of bowel movements?

Ferrets do not like this food stuff, preferring Richard Whiteley’s digits instead, but as Richard is now six feet under, perhaps you could find another Dick to take his place?

For this ferret to refer to you as ‘div’ not only indicates enormous intelligence in that she understands ASCII text files, but that she can orate it as well, is quite ultrafidian!

Get her in the circus, Dick!

Love, Auntie Agnes.

By popular demand, many of you have been asking where I learned such wise counselling skills. Well, I studied for my CSE in metalwork at Blubberhouses Tech and gained grade 3. I then went on to work on the fish counter at Tesco, where I became adept at gutting haddock. I think this proves that I am both intelligent and empathetic.