We're gonna getcha!

Dearest Agnes

Please help as I don’t know what to do.

My wife went away to visit relatives in Manchester about 6 months ago, and has not returned since. I’m beginning to think she might not be coming back.

I have run out of clean clothes to wear. Somebody told me about a thing called a ‘washing machine’ that may help with this, but I have no idea what it looks like. Also, the toilet is really whiffy and the bath - well, I’m cleaner BEFORE I use it. Most of my friends have stopped coming round, saying they’re fed up with wiping their feet on the way out.

Do you think I have a problem, or is this normal. I weigh 28 stone.

Yours sincerely

Peter Enis

P.S. Actually, make that 29 stone. I’ve eaten the Cat.

Dear Peter,

I have located your wife for you and she has told me to tell you that she has run off with your next door neighbour’s wife and they are growing hemp seed on the Isle of Man.

So, fat boy, you might as well get over it now. She ain’t coming back, and as she has now hired HexMyEx’s services, you had better get a change of address and some cosmetic surgery because we are out looking for a fat, lardy boy who stinks to high heaven and has a cat’s tail sticking out of his bottom.

If the cat is causing bowel blockages, simply take 10 Dulcolax. They will shift you – I recommend them for all forms of constipation.

Hope this is of some help to you,

Agnes.

PS. If you would like to try any other forms of laxative, visit this online shop.