Tuesday, 26 June 2007

Ten Top Tips to Get Pay-Back! Instalment Two

Hello there, thwarted exes,

Here is the instalment you've all been waiting for, the second five revenge tips to get back at he-who-no-longer-must-be-obeyed...

6. Send him a package containing flour in a tightly sealed, clear plastic bag. Attach a note to it saying, "Contains Anthrax, your days are numbered!!!", but try to spell it badly otherwise he will realise it is from you, being a Superior Person like myself. Try to get hold of the CCTV tapes of him opening it when he realises that he might just be about to snuff it. Even when he realises it is just a wicked, evil prank, the look on his face will have given you enjoyment for many weeks to come.

7. If he hasn't yet cleared off, but you suspect things are about to go belly-up, make him his favourite meal, wear something fetching, light the candles and sit him down for Pork Casserole a la Lactulose Syrup. That safety cap just will not stay on, will it? Woops, a whole bottle of laxative syrup has just fallen into that lovely stew. When he asks why you aren't having any, tell him you are a vegetarian and the fact he has forgotten this just indicates to you how much he really cares...

8. Go to his offices and flirt outrageously with his female secretary. She will find this most disconcerting, but it will make him feel completely inadequate.

9. After he has kicked you out of his lurv pad for the last time and moved his floozy in, call him and tell him you want to get all of your things back that you bought for him over the last few years. Take a bag of fresh fish from the supermarket along with you. While he leaves you to get on with your packing, insert the fish into the following places: under the mattress; behind the cooker or fridge; in the boiler cupboard behind the tank; behind the radiator in the spare bedroom; remove the panel from the side of the bath and leave the biggest flounder there. Seal bath panel back up...

10. When he asks for his engagement ring back, gladly offer it up to him. Tell him you'll deliver it to his house the following day. Upon arrival, greet him with a beaming smile and promptly swallow the ring. Tell him it may take a few days for you to arrange to return it properly. When it turns up (comes out!), make sure the package is well sealed, in a cardboard box and have it delivered to his work address.

I hope that these are of some help to you. If you can think of any better ones, I would love to hear from you!

1 comment:

Nim said...

The secretary one. Definitely.

Would have extra kudos as well seeing as my ex is a pretty boy and all his mates aren't and they would love to see him feeling inadequate.

Worryingly, I doubt I'd find flirting with a woman that difficult after being dumped by him. Twit.