Dear Agnes

Dear Agnes

I found your blog whilst searching for bitter, angry and slightly over the top break up stories. I feel this is the way I am going to go if I cannot solve this problem in my love life and thought you'd understand, or at least help me.

My husband and I have always enjoyed a normal sex life (apart from the Chicken incident), but just recently he has been avoiding me at bedtime hours. I must admit I felt a fool when I remembered he was working a night shift!

However, my real problem, apart from blind stupidity, is that I've recently discovered my hubby has been with another woman, and has been keeping her locked in the spare room where he likes to spend a lot of his free time 'reading' and 'relaxing'. It has got to the point now where she's hungry and thirsty and needs the toilet. Please help me to deal with this other woman!

Linda, Staines

Auntie Agnes replies:

Dear Linda,

First of all, you must make this woman up some nice, wholesome chicken broth, despite your concerns about the Chicken Incident. That's in the past, and we mustn't dwell there, otherwise, we'd still be poo-ing in our nappies, wouldn't we? She needs to be fed, otherwise she will die, and I know about this and am not afraid to squeal darling, unless you call 0898-ArseholesAnon for only £15.76/minute to hear my latest weather forecast.

I think you are being rather unfair to your husband in some ways, as the poor man requires some respite from his night shift, down in the red light district (or so he told me) and your incessant nagging is just going to keep driving him there. I think he is probably just constipated to be honest with you. Buy him some liquorice.

Have you thought about getting a frontal labotomy? They are quite inexpensive these days...

Has this been of any help, dear? If not, do not hesitate to call Samaritans. They are open 24 hours per day, unlike me, who is available during the hours of 12-1pm on Tuesdays when there is an 'x' in the month.