Thursday, 28 June 2007

One for the girls!

Good evening Hexers,

I was most impressed by Matt’s info-blog on the dating site, interrodate, and have realised that you gurlies out there need to know what to expect. It’s all very well Uncle Matt telling you that all the women are prostitutes and nutters…what about the blokes who lurk on there, too?

Well, Auntie Agnes can now reveal all.

As soon as you upload a name, if it appears even vaguely feminine, the men will besiege you. This is before you have had the chance to devise your questionnaire, work out what the hell you want to ask, and work out whether you actually care. Many men will presume you are hot to trot and will come straight out with, Fancy meeting up for a shag, LOL? (Actually, that is way too literate, they would actually write, Wana shag LOL…and omit the question mark, because they are retards.)

You may like to take a peek at some of their questions, which generally require a ‘yes’/’no’ response. If you are feeling really excited, have a go at answering them with a bit of acerbic badinage. These are my top ten favourites:

10. Do you like golfers?

Answer: Do I care?
9. If I corted you with roses and chocolates, would you think I was romantic (yes) or after something (no).

Answer: I would think you were a retard because you cannot spell.
8. Sunbathe (yes) or skiing (no).

Answer: I only like to sunbathe when it is chucking it down with rain, and skiing is best done in July.
7. What would you prefer, a rich, stupid man (yes) or a poor intelligent man (no).

Answer ‘yes’ every time. Who wouldn’t want a rich thickie at her beck and call? I ask you…This guy is obviously a bit thick, so he might also be rich – chat him up…
6. Would you scrap the ice off my car windscreen in the winter (yes) or would you find an excuse not to do it (no)?

Answer: If you want me to ‘scrap’ the ice off your car windscreen, I can easily find a dirty big brick and lob it through. It’d soon be considered ‘scrap’. Obviously, this bloke wants a skivvy. Avoid.
5. If someone was havin a friendly flirt with me or me with them, would this upset you?

Answer: Would it upset you if I took your best mate into the bogs under your nose and gave him a jolly good seeing to? This guy wants to have his cake and eat it…fool.
4. I have kids. Do you mind?

Answer: Mind your own bloody kids, mate – get a babysitter .
3. Do you like Jade Goody and agree with her actions and conversations and opinions on celeb big brother?

Answer: I didn’t even realise Jade Goody had enough brain cells to be able to form an opinion, actually.
2. Do you think I’m good-looking?

Answer: No. Anybody fat-headed enough to ask that type of question simply deserves to be put down.
1. Now that you have answered all of my questions, does the fact that I am married put you off? Answer: I have contacted HexMyEx and they are currently in negotiations with your soon-to-be ex-wife, loser.

I think, on the whole, there are two men on interrodate who have a modicum of intelligence. One is Uncle Matt. The other is my Dad.

Agnes Mildew is a recognised member of interrodate. Should you wish to chat her up, please ensure that you use good England in yor ansas 2 her utherwiz she is lickly to blow u out.


Matt Chingduvé said...

Please ask my permission before using my questionms here, thanks!

Matt Chingduvé said...

Also, can we have a spell checker facility on here please? :)

Ginny Greenteeth said...

Of course you can have a spell-checker. Ask me and I shall tell you, being a Superior Person.