Thursday, 23 August 2007

Maybe 30-something isn't so bad?

I promised my 70-year old mother I would not blog about this, but she knows I am a dreadful liar, so she will expect this anyway...

She called me this morning and passed the time of day. There was then a bit of a silence and she sheepishly said, "I must tell you something, actually..."
"Yes?" I asked, expecting the latest gossip about Doreen from the pensioners showing off her bloomers on the bowling green.
"Well, I've been having a lot of trouble with my piles just recently, you know..."
"Well use some Anusol, Mum," I suggested.
"That's the point, I have been doing, but you know, when you have 'internal piles', you have to use your finger."
Too much information, I thought...
"So, last night, I woke up in agony and stuck some up my bottom. But it wasn't Anusol. I squirted a load of toothpaste up there by accident. Bloody hell, it hurt, you know!"
When I had stopped roaring with laughter at her embarrassment and discomfort, she went on to tell me that it had sorted out the pain incredibly well.

Nothing like Colgate for giving you that 'ring of confidence', eh?

12 comments:

fishwithoutbicycle said...

Oh. My. God!! That's hilarious!! Who knew that about colgate. What's the world coming to that we're using preparation H to get rid of our eyebags and toothpaste for piles. Do pharmaceutical companies know what they are doing I wonder.

thewishfulwriter said...

DEAR LORD!

Gawd. I'm going to be your mum. I already AM your mum.

Several months ago, I went home to visit my parents.

I reached into the medicine cabinet to get some mouth wash and took a big gulp.

My mouth started burning (and not the good kind). After I spit it out and finished jumping around the bathroom, I took a closer look at the bottle and it did say WASH, but it was Antiseptic WASH, not mouth wash.

I swear. One day I'll learn to pay attn. to detail...

Agnes Mildew said...

FWB: I don't think my mother will do it again, in a hurry. Next time she needs some 'soothing relief', I feel sure she will turn the bathroom light on first!

Heather: That was a cunning plan set up by your parents to stop you being a Potty Mouth!

karen said...

Oh my goodness! That reminds me of the time my dad was driving my mom and I somewhere and she reached into her purse to use her breath spray and proceeded to squirt glasses cleaner down her throat. My dad had to pull over so she could puke on the side of the road. I felt sorry for her, but I was laughing so hard I couldn't even breath. Glad to know things worked out better for your mum!

thewishfulwriter said...

you know what, i think you're right.

damnit. shit.

....i win. it didn't work...

Agnes Mildew said...

Karen: I am sure it is cruel to laugh at other people's misfortunes, and I am probably damned to a life in hell, but I did have a jolly good laugh at yours and Heather's accounts!

My family's mistakes are not limited to the human species. My mental kitten frequently jumps into the fire for some unknown reason and ends up with frazzled whiskers and paws. If he had another brain cell, he would be a cactus.

Heather: The blogging world just wouldn't be the same without the Queen of Nemo! Thank goodness you won!

Chris said...

So you're saying I shouldn't put toothpaste up there?

What if I leave it in the tube? (sorry... too far. I took it too far. My apologies...)

I love your mum. Mine would never admit to such a thing. She knows her children too well: a great story is a terrible thing to waste!

Agnes Mildew said...

Chris, my mother has become much more guarded in divulging her tales to me now. Shame really, my cup (once) runneth over with her trials and tribulations of day to day life!

alcoment said...

Your poor Mum, but I laughed so much it began to hurt! But, hey, it worked and she has the bonus of minty fresh farts (sorry!).

Agnes Mildew said...

And that, my dear Alcoment, can only be a vast improvement...

LadyBanana said...

Oh dear.. Can't help but laugh!

Agnes Mildew said...

Lady Banana, thanks for dropping by to visit. Glad you have had a chuckle...I am so pleased that my mother is not internet savvy. She would be horrified at the publicity she is getting!