Monday, 20 August 2007

Hex Your Boss...

Our only reader is probably sick and tired of hearing of ways to hex ex partners, and simply wants some wiley ways to throw a sickie from work. Well, having spent literally fifteen minutes hard research on this topic, I have come up with some water-tight excuses for getting out of that ear-bleedingly awful meeting, avoiding the end of the month accounts or even snarking from the collection for the miserable personnel officer who is leaving next week.

In addition to these wonderful ailments, I can also show you how to degrade your thick superior without him or her ever even realising it - these have worked for me time and again as my bosses have been so stupid, they have always thought I was showing adulation and kudos - idiots!

Sick Note Certainties...

1. APROSEXIA. A pearler for sickies. Means 'Inability to concentrate'. Dear Miss Jennings, my aprosexia was severe today and led to me requiring a day off in order to recover. With its blatant reproductive (and possibly gynae if mentioned by a woman) undertones, no-one is likely to query this one.

2. CARDIALGIA. Sounds like a severe heart complaint. Literally means heartburn. The minute you mention 'cardio', everyone tip-toes around you with reverence...

3. ERGASIOPHOBIA. To describe oneself as being a chronic ergasiophobe will allow you every sickie in the book. To suffer with this means you have an aversion to work.

4. Dear Mr Forbes-Smythe, Unfortunately, my doctor has discovered that I have succumbed to CLINOMANIA and has recommended that I take at least three weeks off to recouperate. This is a chronic illness and may recur in the future.
CLINOMANIA is the inability to get out of bed...

5. If you have the misfortune to have a total bitch as your line manager, go to her superior and explain that due to your CYNOPHOBIA you must ask to be moved to another department. Cynophobia is the morbid dread of dogs.

Insults Masquerading as Compliments...

1. If asked, by a dullard, what you think of his/her recent reports, exclaim, gushingly, that they are a total work of HEBETUDE and breath-takingly so. Hebetude is sheer stupidity.

2. So tell me, Polly, what do you think of our new manager, Marmaduke? He's a smasher, what? Reply that he is a wonderfully REBARBATIVE character, especially when he attempts to corner you at the photocopier and breathe garlic fumes up your nostrils. To be Rebarbative is to be repulsive, off-putting and daunting.

3. Your boss reckons he/she has been visiting the gym on a regular basis and now has the physique of a racing snake. When asked to inspect his/her toned calves and thighs, respond that they are positively TREMELLOSE and a credit to all his/her sweat and toil on the running machine. You are simply explaining that aforesaid legs are jelly-like.

4. Your hated colleague is finally leaving and you have been asked to provide the leaving speech. "OK everyone, let's hear it for Gervaise and give him the DYSLOGY he deserves." A Dyslogy is the opposite of eulogy and means uncomplimentary remarks.

5. The young upstart, new to the firm, has once again curried favour with the boss and now way surpasses you in salary. Inform him that you are so pleased to have such an OLIGOPHRENIC colleague to work with. He will latch on to the -phrenic suffix and consider it to be complimentary about his intelligence. Indeed, it means feeble mindedness and severe mental retardation.

Practise these words on a daily basis and soon you will be a master at nonchalantly throwing them into conversation. People will either scurry off to find a dictionary, only to forget what it is you have said, or they will think you are an eccentric nutter and leave you to get on with more pressing things such as answering your Blog comments.

Of paramount importance to these words is your delivery. Always behave pathetically when delivering your sick-note and be completely sycophantic when uttering your insults. You will continue to confuse and baffle, which is exactly how it should be in the workplace.

7 comments:

alcoment said...

Great post, I laughed out loud. I shall have to practice these! I know a few people I could quite easily confuse if I slipped them into conversation, which is always fun.

Loved the 'illneses', I will keep these in mind for the future.

thewishfulwriter said...

note to self: if you don't know what EVERY WORD means in the comments left by the Hex Your Ex writers, look it up....

aw, hell...who am I kidding. I'm not smart enough to realize I've been had even when I know what all the words mean.

for instance: I was 16 before I realized my granny was using me. She'd say "Feather, can you get me a beer? I can't get up. I have a bone in my leg."

I felt sorry for her for years. Until I realized we all have fucking bones in our legs.

Yeah. I'm THAT smart.

I wouldn't fall for it today, though. I wouldn't.

Agnes Mildew said...

Alcoment: I shall eagerly await the results of your veiled insults. If you end up getting a P45, though, please don't blame me.

Heather: I am but a mere 'quidnunc' (look it up!), and would never use strange words in your comments for fear of April getting hold of them and mangling them. That would be frightening! Hahaha!

My parents have always used the same expression as your Granny. Up until about four years ago, I was getting away with it with my daughters, too!

fishwithoutbicycle said...

Oh that's great, very funny post. I need to use these, instead of my usual one of having a tummy bug. Sometimes I throw in the word cramps just to see the expression on my male boss's face. He's practically hailing a cab for me if I bring up the C word hee hee. I was one of those who had to look up half those words. I need to scoff a dictionary I think.

Agnes Mildew said...

FWB: Do you know, I don't think I have ever used the C word to skive - how useless am I? I painstakingly research symptoms of malaria, botulism, giardia etc and all I need to do is tell the boss 'the painters are in'...

Simplicity itself...Thanks for the reminder!

Rudi said...

Great post. Very funny. :-)

Agnes Mildew said...

Hi Rudi - thanks for dropping by. Glad you enjoyed the post...watch this space for more skiving tips!