Hex Your Boss...

Our only reader is probably sick and tired of hearing of ways to hex ex partners, and simply wants some wiley ways to throw a sickie from work. Well, having spent literally fifteen minutes hard research on this topic, I have come up with some water-tight excuses for getting out of that ear-bleedingly awful meeting, avoiding the end of the month accounts or even snarking from the collection for the miserable personnel officer who is leaving next week.

In addition to these wonderful ailments, I can also show you how to degrade your thick superior without him or her ever even realising it - these have worked for me time and again as my bosses have been so stupid, they have always thought I was showing adulation and kudos - idiots!

Sick Note Certainties...

1. APROSEXIA. A pearler for sickies. Means 'Inability to concentrate'. Dear Miss Jennings, my aprosexia was severe today and led to me requiring a day off in order to recover. With its blatant reproductive (and possibly gynae if mentioned by a woman) undertones, no-one is likely to query this one.

2. CARDIALGIA. Sounds like a severe heart complaint. Literally means heartburn. The minute you mention 'cardio', everyone tip-toes around you with reverence...

3. ERGASIOPHOBIA. To describe oneself as being a chronic ergasiophobe will allow you every sickie in the book. To suffer with this means you have an aversion to work.

4. Dear Mr Forbes-Smythe, Unfortunately, my doctor has discovered that I have succumbed to CLINOMANIA and has recommended that I take at least three weeks off to recouperate. This is a chronic illness and may recur in the future.
CLINOMANIA is the inability to get out of bed...

5. If you have the misfortune to have a total bitch as your line manager, go to her superior and explain that due to your CYNOPHOBIA you must ask to be moved to another department. Cynophobia is the morbid dread of dogs.

Insults Masquerading as Compliments...

1. If asked, by a dullard, what you think of his/her recent reports, exclaim, gushingly, that they are a total work of HEBETUDE and breath-takingly so. Hebetude is sheer stupidity.

2. So tell me, Polly, what do you think of our new manager, Marmaduke? He's a smasher, what? Reply that he is a wonderfully REBARBATIVE character, especially when he attempts to corner you at the photocopier and breathe garlic fumes up your nostrils. To be Rebarbative is to be repulsive, off-putting and daunting.

3. Your boss reckons he/she has been visiting the gym on a regular basis and now has the physique of a racing snake. When asked to inspect his/her toned calves and thighs, respond that they are positively TREMELLOSE and a credit to all his/her sweat and toil on the running machine. You are simply explaining that aforesaid legs are jelly-like.

4. Your hated colleague is finally leaving and you have been asked to provide the leaving speech. "OK everyone, let's hear it for Gervaise and give him the DYSLOGY he deserves." A Dyslogy is the opposite of eulogy and means uncomplimentary remarks.

5. The young upstart, new to the firm, has once again curried favour with the boss and now way surpasses you in salary. Inform him that you are so pleased to have such an OLIGOPHRENIC colleague to work with. He will latch on to the -phrenic suffix and consider it to be complimentary about his intelligence. Indeed, it means feeble mindedness and severe mental retardation.

Practise these words on a daily basis and soon you will be a master at nonchalantly throwing them into conversation. People will either scurry off to find a dictionary, only to forget what it is you have said, or they will think you are an eccentric nutter and leave you to get on with more pressing things such as answering your Blog comments.

Of paramount importance to these words is your delivery. Always behave pathetically when delivering your sick-note and be completely sycophantic when uttering your insults. You will continue to confuse and baffle, which is exactly how it should be in the workplace.