Wednesday, 29 August 2007

A Problem Shared is a Problem for Two People.

Once again, I am in receipt of trashy, glossy magazines courtesy of R Donna at the chippy behind my house. This week’s offering contains a copy of ‘new!’ August 20th edition, (no, I don’t like the inability to use initial capitals, either, or the unnecessary exclamation mark) which, from what I can gather, is aimed at a readership of single women with an average of six kids to five different fathers (one pregnancy produced twins) who drink 10% proof lager and weigh approximately 18 stone. I only surmise the latter point as every other page contains a ‘Hot, Top Dieting Tip!’

One of my favourite sections to this magazine is ‘relationship S.O.S’: the Agony Aunt column by Jane O'Gorman. As I am feeling in a charitable mood tonight – because daughter no. 1 has dumped her dour boyfriend whose only vocal ability was to grunt – I will share these little gems with you and explain how, as an ambassador for HexMyEx, I would tackle these sticky situations…

**Doormat: My boyfriend’s family treat him like a child and now we’re living together he expects me to do everything for him. Early one morning, he needed a packed lunch and woke me up to make it for him! Now he’s saying that he’ll have to go back to his parents’ home a couple of nights a week because they “take care of him”. I’m furious but he is really lovely – except for this!

Agnes: I’m not ashamed to divulge this to you, Doormat, but you should always do the right thing by somebody who makes food and beverage demands of you. Once upon a time I worked as a data entry clerk – something to do whilst 8 ½ months pregnant – and a certain colleague refused to make the drinks, claiming she had ‘weak wrists’. By four o’clock, I had made her her sixth cup of tea and I was not a happy Mum-to-be. Not only being heavy with child, I was also heavy with cold. So, I wiped her tea bag on my snotty nose, left it to steep and presented her with her drink. She went off sick the next day with a bad cold (big Nancy; I managed to go in with mine!) and I didn’t have to make any drinks for her ever again as I went off to have my baby! So, it can have a happy ending…

Misunderstood: My new next-door neighbour came round for coffee and started talking intimately about her sex life. She explained that she has an open marriage and she’s had loads of different lovers, both male and female. I get the feeling that she was angling to get into my bed and I’ve tried to avoid her since. My husband reckons I must have misunderstood her, but I know when someone’s flirting with me – do you think I am overreacting?

Agnes: What a dilemma for you, Misunderstood. When I moved into this house, all I got was a bag of chicken bones thrown over the back garden fence for the cat. Well, I have no idea if you are overreacting or not as I wasn’t there. However, I think the question you need to be asking yourself is: Do I fancy her or not? Once you’ve answered that, you’ll know your next move. Simple, really.

Prematurely Incontinent: When I’m making love with my boyfriend, I often have an almost uncontrollable desire to pee and I’m only 27. I have to run to the bathroom and my boyfriend moans that the interruption puts him off.

Agnes: Dear Prem, why you think your age has anything to do with this is beyond me. Have you thought about emptying your bladder before you get jiggy with him? Or perhaps if you refrain from the 11 pints of 10% proof Special Brew before the carnal act begins you won’t feel the urge. Then again, if the interruption puts him off his stroke, at least you won’t be saddled with a seventh child, eh? Every cloud has a silver lining.

I reckon I’d be quite good at this, don’t you? Just send me all your problems and if I have nothing better to do, I might send you a reply.

**Names have been changed to protect these correspondents' numerous innocent** children
**Until proven guilty next month

11 comments:

Matt Chingduvé said...

I have a very real problem, Auntie Agnes.

I am strongly attracted to older women. Age gaps of 50 years is not uncommon. It only really became a problem after I got banned from the local old people's home. Have you any advice to stop this urge? Please?

Agnes Mildew said...

Yes, Matt. Give my mother a call. She likes you.

Matt Chingduvé said...

I don't think your Dad was too keen when I asked her out last week....

E-Babe said...

Oh, you should do this for a living! Damn fine advice. I know who to go to with my next dilemma.

Agnes Mildew said...

Hurrah! An Endorsement! Thanks, E-Babe. I've known for a long time that I was in the wrong job.

So, what's your problem?

Amel's Realm said...

LOL!!! UR SUCH A GEM, Agnes!!! Yes, I believe you'll be a pretty fine counsellor! ;-D

Agnes Mildew said...

Amel, a second endorsement is enough to make me change my career path now. Freud, eat your heart out!

Mark Dykeman said...

Some years ago, Andy Partridge of the band XTC did a "Agony Aunt" radio show with a hostess who really did that sort of thing. They called it "Agony Andy". I loved it, it was absolutely hilarious!

Agnes Mildew said...

Mark, they could have used Sgt Rock as their theme tune to this radio show, "Uncle Andy's gonna help meeee. Make the girl mine, make her toe the line. And Uncle Andy's gonna help meeee. Make the girl mine, make her toe the line, make the girl mine, listen to her whi-ee-ine."
Apologies, XTC fans.

thewishfulwriter said...

Ask Agnes.

trademark it. quick.

i got issues for DAYS.

Agnes Mildew said...

Heather: Tell me all your problems. I won't tell anyone else apart from the other person who reads this blog. Honest.

"Ask Agnes" was trademarked in June: http://hexmyex.blogspot.com/2007/06/auntie-agnes-i-am-single-but-have.html
We're too hot to trot here, you know!