Sunday, 26 August 2007

My Family and Other Psychopaths

I think Alcoment and I must have our Blogging biorhythms in sync at the moment as, in turn, her most recent post got me thinking about veiled insults, back-handed compliments and the insecurity springboards which I have received over my colourful life.

Most of them have come from my dear family members, mainly from Mother Dearest who wouldn’t know how to give an unconditional compliment if it came on a silver platter and garnished with parsley. And so, dear reader, I shall share some of these with you and then you in turn might wish to employ them in order to screw with the heads of your foes.

On getting a C grade in Human Biology A Level at night school:
Father: Couldn’t you have got a B?

On getting 83% in a Health & Social Care assignment:
Father: That’s what you got last time. Couldn’t you have got 84%?

On having my hair cut into a new style:
Mother: That style really suits you. I wish you’d stop dying your hair that dark colour, though, it looks trashy.

On losing weight:
Mother: You’re getting too thin.

On subsequently gaining weight:
Mother: You look like a Sumo wrestler.

On my figure:
Mother: You’ve got a smashing figure. It’s a pity you’ve got that belly, though. Have you tried sit-ups?

On dressing up for a family meal:
Mother: I’m glad to see you are smartening up these days. You look really nice when you go out. But don’t wear that awful black thing tonight. You look like a witch.

On commenting whether I needed to lose weight or not:
The Ex: I’ll give you a stone either way. Put on a stone and you’re dumped; lose a stone and you’re dumped.

On commenting how romantic candle-lit meals were:
The Ex: Don’t expect me to be making soppy remarks to you over the dining table. I’ll have me head down eating me nosebag.

On making a three course birthday meal for my Mother:
Mother: Is there garlic in this? Urgh, I hate garlic.

On playing the baddy in a pantomime:
All my 'friends': You're very natural as a witch.

On getting the principal boy part in a panto with lots of singing:
The Ex: The only people in the audience who'll appreciate your singing will be the handicapped kids.

On asking why a (then) boyfriend had stayed so long with his psychopathic exgirlfriend:
Ex-boyfriend: Because it was the best sex I have ever had in my life.

Me as a cleaner
On being offered a dream job as a writer:
Mother: You'll be home later than usual? You can't do that. What about the children? Why don't you go cleaning? Cleaners get well paid and you can choose your own hours.
[Obviously, this is why I am studying an English degree, as there is a high demand for well-read cleaners]

On being offered a dream job as a writer #2:
Daughter No.1: So you'll be home later than before? So all you care about is the money and not me? You just don't care about me, do you? [I turned the job down, eventually]

On losing quite a lot of weight and fancying a bit of hanky-panky that night
The Ex: You look like a road traffic accident.

On going on a diet after repeated remarks from Mother that I was huge:
Mother: Have some apple pie and cream. Go on, I made it especially for you.
Me: I told you I was on a diet.
Mother: That won’t kill you.
Me: No, but it will put weight on me.
Mother: You’re obsessed, you are…

On taking my driving test after 12 lessons:
Mother: You’ll not pass. It took me 25 lessons before I passed. Waste of good money.
Ha! I passed!

Me on a good dayAll I can say is that it’s a jolly good job I am thick-skinned and have oodles of self-esteem. But, I have to end it here - I must go now as I have an appointment with my psychotherapist…


alcoment said...

Ah, not only are our blogging biorhythms in sync, we appear to have the same mother! Maybe they went to special classes on 'How to put down your daughter' and 'Confuse your children about what you actually WANT them to do'? There must be some out there.

Remember your Latin, you gave me a fantastic phrase. I find if you respond to anything with a smile, then everyone thinks you're agreeing with them, even if you're not!

fishwithoutbicycle said...

I laughed so much at these my eyes watered. God job I'm wearing water proof mascara. My mother does the 'you're too fat/you're too thin' one all the time to me too. Moving 3000miles away helped, although now she saves them up for my parent's yearly visit :-)

Agnes Mildew said...

Alcoment & FWB: I have a sneaking suspicion that we are probably separated sisters and our mother uses the same stock phrases to irritate the hell out of us and reduce us to gibbering wrecks...

Bless the family...where would we be without them...Paradise?

Matt Chingduvé said...

Hey, it's more common than you think. I was being harassed by all my family one christmas. I couldn't do ANYTHING without being pestered or bullied. I eventually cracked when I got criticised by my Auntie for not putting enough cranberry sauce on my plate! It might not sound a big deal, but that kind of thing ruins lives, man!

reasonable robinson said...

Is there such as thing as a psychopatherapist do you think? Maybe we take poeple there to have them 'put down'?

Agnes Mildew said...

Reasonable: Highly impressed by that witty retort! A+, that man!

thewishfulwriter said...

this post just confirmed it. we have the same parents. i haven't worked out all the details, but i'm convinced it's true.

my family "lovingly" called me 'thunder thighs' when i was a kid.

no trauma there...

Agnes Mildew said...

Well, Heather, I think I might pass on this legacy to my own daughters. No point in discontinuing such a wonderful, global family tradition, eh?

Ah, memories of being prodded in the shoulder, pinched around the cheeks, slapped on the thigh and told I look like a Sumo. Happy days...not!