The Summer Lectures: Men from Mars; Women from Venus...

Are women from Venus and men from Mars?

This rather silly book was published in 1993 and daft women are still buying it in an attempt to understand their man. I was one of them and gave up after the third chapter in disgust, preferring to read The Beano instead.

I should like to take this opportunity to analyse this theory, discuss my findings with you, extrapolate my opinions and draw an informative conclusion for you all.

First, let us take the assumption Men are from Mars.


Mars is a planet with half the radius of our Earth and only one tenth of the mass. Therefore, it is a bit of a silly planet attempting to be something bigger than it is, what with its red dust and polar ice caps. Earth has these in abundance and we don’t go on about it. Indeed, my outhouse passageway is currently covered in red dust since I was sanding down my mother’s toenails last weekend and haven’t got round to brushing up. I have many polar icecaps knocking about, too, whenever the ex has visited – Hell freezes over when I have to talk to him.

Mars has a ‘thin’ atmosphere. I know very few thin men, but I certainly know that they aren’t ones to get the party started on the whole, so, yes, their contribution to atmospheres could be deemed as ‘thin’. It is also named after the Roman God of War and this makes perfect sense. I am constantly battling with my ex, as he is the most pugnacious, belligerent piece of rotten fish you could ever have the misfortune to meet. All I want is a quiet life and I know to do this, I would have to hire another Roman God of War to bump him off, but I only have £4.57 saved in my penny jar at the moment, which wouldn’t even pay for a tooth to be extracted without anaesthetic.

Mars has two moons, Phobos and Deimos, which are small and irregularly shaped. That reminds me of the brains of most men I have ever met. Sounds promising, doesn’t it? Or if you were being rude, which I am rarely, if ever, you could liken them to what hangs between their legs. Hmm…the evidence is starting to stack up, somewhat…

The surface of Mars is comprised mainly of basalt, which is a ‘shallow, intrusive rock’. Wow – this is amazing. Men are shallow and intrusive, aren’t they? Especially when they are rifling through your knicker drawer and wanting you to wear the frilly pink and black things that ride up your bum and give you VPL.

Liquid water cannot exist on Mars, but frozen liquids can. Vodka cannot freeze in our deep freezes, did you know, so that sounds about right, too. I have seen many men downing so-called frozen vodka, which turns into a gloopy syrup when left in the freezer overnight. This, in turn, forces their brain cells into a gloopy syrup and they either love you dearly forever or beat seven bells out of you when you decide to buy a new three-piece suite.

Mars is scarred by a number of ‘impact craters’ – yes, I have snogged many a man festering with acne scars. Another tick for the theory that men are from Mars.

The only thing which disturbs me about all of this is that Mars isn’t a very dense planet…it’s less dense than the Earth, and we have enough denseness here, what with George Bush and Tony Blair, so what’s going on?

Let’s have a look at the statement, Women are from Venus, then…

Venus is the brightest natural object in the night sky, except for the moon. Well, most women I know are pretty bright and chirpy, especially when they have been at the cooking sherry.

Now, it is classed as an ‘Inferior Planet’ due to its positioning between the sun and Earth. That to me, is utter codswallop. Just because it decided to plonk itself closer to the sun to get a better tan doesn’t make it inferior, does it?

Venus is covered in clouds of sulphuric acid. That’s the eggy, nasty gas which is contained in stink-bombs. My fridge, admittedly, can sometimes smell like that. Indeed, I no longer refer to my fridge as such – it is called ‘The Museum’. Plus, I don’t smell like a stink-bomb. I shower on a daily basis if Greebo has run the pump and Rastus has clambered up onto the cistern and filled it from the mill pond. Flo, Britney and I fight for the privilege of being first in, but sometimes, Britney knocks Flo into the middle of next week and I just leave them to it, so I can shower in peace.

Venus has a very low level of meteoric craters. True. On the whole, us girls don’t get the rotten awful acne blokes suffer from, and if we do, we are sensible enough to get down to the doctor’s for a good dose of Vitamin A. Being nearer to the sun helps, too – Vitamin D is excellent for the skin, don’t you know?

Most Venusian features are named after Goddesses of Love, such as Ishtar and Aphrodite. Well, any old fool can call a lump of rock after some mythological Goddess and establish legends, can’t he? I have a lump of something in the back garden, and I know damned well it came from Norman’s bottom, but I’m not about to call it Penelope or anything like that!

Yes, yes, I know us girls are supposed to enjoy being called after Goddesses etc., but to me, they were all a bit anal and obviously hadn’t been potty-trained properly as they are so hung up on things that they really need to get a decent counsellor.

Much of Venus’ surface appears to have been shaped by volcanic activity. By Jove, there was some volcanic activity in the Mildew household two nights ago when Flo, Britney and I decided to have a girly night in, got Scarface out on video, ate a few vindaloos and partook in ten Guinnesses between us. So, I can uphold that statement.

But, another thing worries me. Venus is the densest of all planets. I’m not dense, I know that for sure. So, for that reason alone, I am going to refute this whole silly argument and determine that I am actually from Uranus, which is referred to as a ‘Gas Giant’.