Saturday, 21 July 2007

Dame Tess Tickle's 50th Birthday


Sir Matt Chinguvé and I, Ms Agnes Mildew, should like to wish Dame Tess Tickle a fantastic 50th birthday.

The half-century celebrations commenced at 7pm at the Strachan Hall, Aberdeen on 26th June 2007. Hundreds arrived to participate in lots of balloon-blowing events, pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and Postman's Knock, which resulted in Dame Tess taking a number of underage boys back to her hotel bedroom...


The Dame's husband, Sir Drew P. Cock sent thousands of invitations out to everybody from his work's email address, and many wanted to come but couldn't quite make it into the Hall due to Fire Regulations. However, we had the chance to interview such celebs as Jonny Depp and George Clooney who were quoted as saying, "That Tess is a sight for sore eyes. She is such a hip-swinging chick, we couldn't get here fast enough. What a fantastic party this is!". Their only complaint was that Matt & I couldn't be there in person...

A sumptuous buffet was laid on for all, a live band and Tess danced her laddered tights off, as is her wont - you should see her performing her shag! Sir Drew P. Cock's funky chicken goes down in the annals of history, believe you me!

Dame Tess patronises the halls of the overstated Robert Gordon University, lecturing on whether butter is more healthful than margarine, if it is wise to flush the toilet in a drought, and should she buy a dress from Oxfam or British Heart Foundation, such is her humanitarian nature. Her work colleagues (shallow pigs that they are, none of whom had the decency to say if they were coming to the party or not and will shortly be receiving 'flaming pasties' through the post from HexMyEx) are obviously in awe of her capabilities and from now on, as befits her Superior Status, she is no longer buying cakes for the parasitic little gimps.

We want to wish Dame Tess the bestest birthday in the whole wide world as she is one of the most wonderful people you could ever hope to meet, even if she can't pronounce 'curry' or 'Durham' properly. She looks after her 'Mam', she looks after her three boys, she even looks after the great unwashed of Scotland, and that in itself is a major task...

Happy Birthday, Dame Tess (JT) Tickle!! You deserve it!

9 comments:

Anonymous said...

Thank you for this truly wonderful accolade. Words elude me and I find it hard to describe the warm, wet feeling and fluffy feeling this tribute has given me. It has left me feeling relaxed, rejuvenated and invigorated, as you can see …

http://www.zeropaid.com/bbs/image.php?u=176745&dateline=1071046840

I spent the night dancing around my handbag, there was no holiding me back. In my opinion 50 is the new 40 and I feel every bit of it. No longer am I drawn into the great fashion con, wasting money and being less then comfortable. I purchase the cheaper elasticated waist garments that will do me for years. Crimpalene has made a come back in my wardrope, battle ship blue is my favourite. I can access cheaper holidays now I have become a member of Saga. Oh yes, I have it all. Tess XXXX

Agnes Mildew said...

Tess, We have been telling you for years that you need to go for the elasticated waists, ever since you nicked my Mexx brown jeans from me and squeezed into them, and then shoved jelly fishes down your bikini top...But we adore you, revere you, and Christ Help New Foundland if you ever expatriate there! Lots of love to you and your tribe xxx Auntie Agnes xxx

Matt Chingduvé said...

A belated happy birthday greeting to Tess from the Chingduvé clan! We will raise a cup of warm Pepsi and toast you (not literally!)

Anonymous said...

Agnes and Matt how kind and how thoughtful you both are. I would just like to suggest you put the Pepsi into the fridge before you toast my birthday as I beleive warm Pepsi is only used for medicinal purposes - diarrhoea and vomiting as I recall.
It has made me feel so much better to know that two well known authors have put time and effort into celebrating my birthday. Love tess

Agnes Mildew said...

Dear Dame Tess,

It is we struggling authors who are privileged to have such an eminent proctologist in our midst.

Obviously, in your line of business you will be able to endorse my beauty tip regarding the liberal application of Anusol on those unsightly bags. Indeed, I am sure you must use it yourself, as, despite being 50, you don't look a day over 93.

By the way, warm Pepsi gives you cancer and swallowing chewing gum makes your heart stop beating, so I am going to send a Red Cross parcel full of the stuff to my ex.

Anonymous said...

So..... where is toilet? Hehe))) Joke, relax ;)
Hope for answer

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Agnes Mildew said...

Thank you so much, Anonymous...and for your associate's comments.

Now, I have to ask myself...you certainly knew how to construct a comment (even though it was spammy!) and it was very flattering. I am always a sucker for flattery...

So, be blunt. What affiliate scheme are you proposing?

Trouble is, Anonymous, I am hot-to-trot in internet marketing: email, ppc, seo, affiliates, social media - this is my bread and butter.

I'd much rather you said to me, Hey Agnes, want to sell some dodgy drugs for us?

And the answer would be 'NO'...