I am still waiting to meet the man of my dreams from these crappy dating websites, but I think you gents might like to read what really puts women off...every time...
These are the top ten no-nos on your first date:
1. Talking about yourself all the time. Yes, yes, I've heard it all before that you blokes, when you are nervous, you have to talk about yourself. Well, it's dull. Dull as ditchwater. I am much more interesting than you, so let's talk about me.
2. Calling up your Mum to tell her you are going to be out late. This happened to me on the one occasion I deigned to go out with a younger man. I was incredulous...I was even more shocked when he revealed that his Mum wouldn't approve of me because I was divorced...I let him off, but when he got cold feet as I got a bit jiggy and offered him a free lap-dance with my wellies on and he ran home to Mummy, he was crossed off my list.
3. Calling up your wife to tell her you are going to be out late. I know she definitely won't approve of me...
4. Wearing skanky clothes. I always make a point of dressing up for my dates. I could hardly credit it when one chap pitched up wearing flip-flops, cargo poofter-pants, a footie shirt (and it was Man U - bleurgh!) and a baseball cap.
5. Grabbing hold of my thighs, arms, face, bum and anywhere else at every opportunity. One bloke, on our first date, rubbed himself up on me so much I thought I would end up with either splinters or pregnant. He didn't redeem himself by slavering in my ear that 'This is nice'. Might have been for him, but I was wearing a new leather coat and spunk stains are difficult to remove from leather.
6. Forcing your tongue right down my throat when we say goodnight. If you do it again, I'll bite the bloody thing off.
7. Having bad breath. Because when you try to shove your tongue down my throat and I jerk my head away quickly, your smelly slobber will cover my face and I will smell it the whole drive home.
8. Showing off your car/phone/watch/Man at C & A suit...whatever. I, despite what some people say, am not a gold-digger. I am not impressed by your material goods. My stuff is nicer than yours, anyway, and it's not been bought on the never-never, either.
9. Trying to be cleverer than me. You aren't. Get that into your head right now. If we have a relationship, I will always be cleverer than you and don't you forget it. I am a Superior Person and use Superior Words. And I have an O level in Art. Don't ever come to the Stretton Fox with me and try to analyse my body language. I will punch you on the nose and you won't be in any indecision over that gesture.
10. Banging on and on about your ex and how she didn't understand you/hurt you/abused you. Get a life. Get a move on. If you can't, go away, you are boring and stupid. I have no time for pathetic miseries. I don't help people move on. I am not Marjorie Proops. I am Agnes Mildew and I don't take any crappy-crappy nonsense from blokes. They take it from me.
If you think you can come out on a date with me without succumbing to any of the above, I am happy to meet you, bring you back to my house and rampantly seduce you whilst stealing your credit cards from your Man at C & A suit pocket. I shall also sign your mobile phone up to receive my affirmative hourly texts at only £13.50 per text.