Friday, 6 July 2007

Top Ten Chat Ups

These are my top ten chat-up lines, which have been used on me to great effect - that is to say, I generally took them back to my place and gave them a bit of a sorting out...

I like to think that these men were erudite, witty and good in bed, but that was not necessarily the case...errr, in fact, I don't think it has ever been the case.

1. My name is Rasputin - my hearse is waiting for you outside. Shall I take you back home and give you a good embalming?
2. I happen to be a Managing Director. Would you like to take up a position on my staff?
3. Do you like animals? What type of animals do you have? [I answered, 'Two bunnies and a cat']. Oh, so do you ever let your rabbits play around your pussy?
4. My favourite past-time is fishing. If you play your cards right, you can have a fiddle with my tackle.
5. My mate happens to think you are the best looking bird in this place, but I fancy your mate more. [I rose to the challenge on this one]
6. You are the fairest maiden in this motley Mott & Bailey. I want to take you away from all of this. Will you ride my charger?
7. If we were characters in a Shakespearian comedy, I would play Fellatio, and you could be my Cunni Lingus [I was impressed by this one purely do to his ability to cite Shakespeare - Fellatio is one of my favourite characters in It's Been a Hard Day's Much Ado about Hamlet...]
8. May I carry your bag - and I don't mean your mother.
9. Now I will have to make some up because I think these are the only decent chat-ups I have ever had, so number nine was from George Clooney who asked me to be in Ocean's Seventeen when he gets round to making it in a few year's time...
10. Fancy a shag? [That's an authentic one, actually...]

I have heard of a number of chat-ups from gents in my life, not aimed at me, which have certainly impressed me, though. A certain Enigmacrypt, who shall remain nameless, is a wow with the women and frequently makes my jaw drop with his way with them. This gent of my acquaintance lures unsuspecting young ladies back to his den of iniquity by purposefully breaking digits - i.e., he gets so a*se-holed that he ends up face down in a bush without any memory of the event - and when ladies comment on his bandaged hand, he claims to have done a Superman, dived out into oncoming traffic to rescue a puppy and was side-swiped by a car, breaking his fingers in the process.

I think this tactic deserves a Gold Star award for innovation. Two thumbs up there!

As I don't like puppies, being a cat lover, I would have told him he was a Daft Sod, but then, there's no accounting for taste, is there?

There are many chat-ups out there and many of them work and there is no accounting for taste. The ones I despise are the complimentary ones: Ooohh, you have such beautiful eyes, a rare intelligence and a kind looking face - I may have a kind looking face, but that is because I spread Anusol over my wrinkles at night and it tightens my face, making me look slightly less saggy than people of my age (166). My eyes may look bright and shiny, but that is probably from the vodka, and my intelligence is purely because I am a Superior Person with an IQ of 135 which I discovered through taking a test whilst bored at work one day on Tickle. I am too tight to pay for the full version, so I just brag about it to anyone who cares to listen.

I am short of decent chat-ups, so I would welcome any suggestions from the ladies out there, but even if men have some fairly unisex chat-ups, I will take those on board, too, as it looks like my life is getting cluttered with males, but unfortunately they consist of two warring tom cats and two incestuous homosexual rabbits and I am in danger of turning into an eccentric old woman.


Matt Chingduvé said...

I must admit that my chat up line is unsuccessful:

'Do you like beef, love? Then suck this, it's dripping!'

Noel said...

Puppies! Yes i'm more of a pussy lover myself but cats are so fast you can't run them over if you try. Not that i'd ever try!

Ok these are some of my chat up lines

1. *whilst leering at her friends bum* Your mate has a really fit arse but you're prettier (worked)

2. You're so hot i'd even drink your piss. Like seriously i really would. (didn't work)

3. Are you mental? (worked)

4. Not really a chat up line but I walked into a random take away and started stealing a random girls chips whilst telling her she was really pretty. (She agreed to have sex with me for a bottle of red wine)

5. I'm 3 lesbians trapped in a manish body and they keep lezzing up constantly. They think you're really fit. (didn't work)

6. Is it ok if i get you really drunk then i can take advantage of you (worked)

Those are some of my more imaginative one. More often than not i just flirt silently in such an obvious way that it can't be ignored so they have to respond somehow even if it's just by running away.