Now I know a large proportion of our readers are under the delicate age of 16, so I shall try not to use too many rude words, but forgive me if I slip accidentally...
As you enter adulthood, that murky time which you call adolescence and us parents call, 'Oh God, he's at that stage now', you lot go all strange, spotty, smelly and moody. And all of a sudden, you think us parents just don't understand!!! Well, as a mother of five children: Greebo, Rastus, Flo, Britney and Farquhar, I can tell you that I do. They range from 13 to 17 and all of them are twins, so you can imagine how hard I worked to get these cherubs out after Mr Mildew had his wicked way with me...dirty old beggar...
Your first problems may lie with members of the opposite sex. You may have parents who get rather over-protective when it comes to 'opposite sex' relations and are rather sniffy about it. When our Rastus brings a girl home and wants to commune with her, I sling them into the outhouse passageway. It smells of catfood and has flies buzzing around, so they don't stay there long. But at least I allow them their privacy.
You may be tempted to try a bit of osculation at some point in this new relationship. Well, there are a few warnings attached to this you know. First, if you have braces, watch you don't razor-wire your beloved's tongue off. Second, make sure your own and your beloved's breath smells sweet as there is nothing worse than smelly slobber dried all over your face and finally, didn't you know that you can get pregnant* from kissing too much? Wear a cardigan with leather patches on the sleeves and this will stop you walking round with a kid for the next 20 years of your life. And this warning goes for both boys and girls...
Bodily secretions! Up until recently, the only time your body secreted anything was when you were salivating for more lard and chips. Now it seems every pore in your body is leaking. Yes, you will get smelly and your parents will point this out to you repeatedly, telling you to get a wash. I was a very smelly teenager, unfortunately, as, being the middle child of 15, I didn't fancy hopping into the kitchen sink after my seven older brothers had been in there lathering up and doing all sorts of odd things with the nail brush, so I would run to Tesco, buy some air freshener and squirt it around my armpits**. It stings a bit, I must admit, and did leave me with some rather interesting scarring from where it burnt, but Glade smells infinitely better than BO.
However, if you have the use of a shower, please jump in it from time to time as there is nothing worse than telling off a minging teenager as you can't get close enough to them to wag the finger under their nose...just spare a thought, eh?
And please...pick up your crusty undies and stick them into the wash tub...last time our Greebo left his grunts lying on the floor, I used them to wipe down the mirror in the bathroom. I can't get rid of the smears now, despite trying lighter fuel and bleach.
Spots! Well, spots are some of my favourite friends. I like nothing better than having a jolly good pick at mine. I was quite disappointed not to be on the receiving end of a good dose of acne when I was a teenager...I have since made up for it now that I am 166. Don't hate your spots - Rejoice in them! Form a Spot Appreciation Society (S.A.S) or the Acne Rules Society of England (A.R.S.E). Have competitions with your peers to see who can squirt their pus onto the mirror furthest. Your first time will be a shocker, but you will soon get over it and be aiming with the care of a marksman.
Mood swings! Well, mood swings happen to the best of us, don't they? Do they? No, they don't. Yes, they do! SHUT UP! I HATE YOU!! When you are in a foul mood, go and fester under your blankets for a few days, please, as it is boring. When you are in a good mood and want the world to know, you've come over all Julie Andrews because some beloved has asked you to go to the chippy with him/her, DON'T come asking me for money. I gave you a fiver last week.
Money worries! There's just never enough, is there? As a teenager, I was permanently skint, despite working a paper round, helping to gut pigs at the weekend for Mr Mildew's Dad, serving pints in the Ferret & Frogspawn and running laxatives across the borders. There is a simple answer to your skintedness...STOP TEXTING STUPID THINGS LIKE: LOL, L8TRZ, GR8, which all cost anything from 10p to 20p. Get your money's worth out of a text and bullet point it, so you can easily incorporate at least five questions/statements. That's saved you at least a pound, now, hasn't it? I never send texts - I use smoke signals; infinitely cheaper.
Studies! Your parents will nag you incessantly to do well at school. Well, I can only advise you that this is exceptionally important. You MUST study hard. Can you imagine, if I hadn't worked hard at my 11+ when I was 14, do you think I would have got my apprenticeship on the fish counter at Tesco? No sirreee! I would have ended up picking up the dog poo for the local council Parks & Gardens division. Parents nag you to study because we want you to be able to earn lots of money so we can retire and you can look after us.
Well, I hope this can make all you grunty adolescents realise that we, as parents, do understand and can sometimes even empathise with your plight. I hated being a teenager as I was the ugliest girl at school, didn't have a boyfriend, worked very hard and had no spots. Now, I am still ugly, still don't have a boyfriend, still work very hard, but have lots of spots. So I really am in a position to help you all out.
Write to me with all your worries***, and I shall try to help you in my capacity as Auntie Agnes, World Famous Agony Aunt. If I am busy, leave a message and I shall reply to you if I think you need my help. If I think you need psychiatric help, I shall just call the local loony bin.
Disclaimer to all you divs who might think this is serious:
*This is a joke. You don't get pregnant from kissing. But go further than that and you might.
** This is another joke. Use soap and water like normal people.
*** You think YOU'VE got worries? I have five teenagers - that's a 'WORRY'...
RESPECT YOUR PARENTS AND DO AS YOU ARE TOLD AT ALL TIMES. WE ALSO TAKE HEXING ORDERS FROM PARENTS, YOU KNOW...