As a singleton, I am not about to enjoy a poncey love-fest in some exotic clime this year, canoodling with some hunky Chippendale (not that I would want some plastic specimen like that, anyway!), so Matt Chingduvé and I are off to forage for mushrooms, come October, down at Hugh Fearnley-Whittingstall's place in Dorset for a couple of days and hopefully find some of the psilobycin variety...although why I need to do that when they grow quite gaily on my back lawn for the rabbits to munch, is beyond me...Have you ever seen a psychedelic bunny? It is a sight to behold, believe me! No wonder they have carved Escher-esque pictures into the walls of their hutch with their teeth...
As a well seasoned traveller - I have been to Anglesey - I am here to recommend some love fest holidays for you singletons...and if you are now in a relationship, well p*ss off over to Ibiza and leave us poor lonely sods alone.
South Africa: Visit the Cape. See the dassies (local term for some vicious rodents whose primary cousin, believe it or not, is the elephant. These swines will have your tampons out of your handbags quicker than you can batter them senseless) on Table Mountain. Go to Sun City and indulge in golf, gambling, sunning yourself by the pool and trying to find out where Prince Harry's girlfriend's Dad hangs out.
Australia: Queensland. Well, you can cream your underwear at the talent on show around here. Why they never made BouyWartch [to be said with an Aussie accent] is beyond me. These are fine specimens of humanity, but they all seem to be under the age of 14. Many, many years ago, I got into a clinch with a 14 year old as he had informed me he was 19. I realised that the lack of stubble was a major give-away...but he did look old for his age...he must look older than me now, God help him...
Dubai: OK, get it out of your head that it is full of terrorists and rubbish like that - Dubai is one of the fastest, most incredible places on the face of this earth. I can only manage three days and then I have to clear off out of sheer exhaustion. Best places to go are the public beaches as loads of locals like to walk down there playing with themselves...hilarity abounds!
Cyprus: there is a quaint little tradition which goes on in Paphos hotels here...they get some really gorgeous, slim-bottomed males and lots of fat-arsed females with boobs that you could mistake for barrage balloons onto the dance floor and the slim-bottomed male tucks a few sheets of newspaper in his kecks and dances around, wanting all the harriden, female audience to set fire to the paper. They call it the Cock Dance. I realised straight away that you don't try to set fire to the end, because he will fan the flame away, so I went right up to his bum crack, set it alight, and he scarpered with his a*se-hole aflame...serves him right, as I didn't get a prize, just a maungy kiss, which I tried to turn into a snog until the (now) ex came along and knocked him senseless...
Borneo: Saba island. Full of orangutans...infinitely preferable to finding your one true love in Manchester, believe me...These males are ambidextrous, have opposable thumbs, lovely eyes, and can communicate lovingly. Obviously, I do not advocate a relationship further than hugging and kissing, but sometimes, that's all that we want.
Boston, Lincs: You must go here if you are feeling down. It will cheer you up to no end as within ten minutes if parking up outside the Oddbins, you will discover that everybody is much, much sadder than you, and is probably unfortunately married to their cousin...the countryside surrounding is lovely, though - just ensure that you wear a Femidom, even if you are a man.
So, I hope that my recommendations for your hols have been pause for thought. Should you wish to find out more about destinations (cf. Anglesey), please contact my hot line 0898 HolidaysforFuckUps-999 and I shall answer any of your queries. This premium rate line only charges £15.76/minute, which I am sure you will agree is good value for money, especially when you think Matt Chingduvé is trying to get in on the act!
Stay away from him girls - or should I say, 'gals', having recently been referred to as a 'gal' on interrodate - Matt Chingduvé is a naughty boy who likes to pull the leaves off lettuce just to hear it scream.