Summer Beauty Secrets for Girls...

It's that time of year again when the British and US media like us all to feel completely paranoid about the way we look, bombarding us with images of bronzed, plucked, toned bodies, which isn't far off the description of the roast chicken I am making for the kids' tea - Rastus likes to gnaw on the carcass, so I throw it into the outhouse for him to scuttle after.

Well, girls! If you're like me, and totally fed up with all the hype about how to look good to get your man, you've come to the right place! Here, I will let you in on all the little shortcuts to looking as good as me - and I'm 166!

Holiday Skin: OK, so the furthest you are going this year is Cleethorpes. And you want a tan. Never fear. You don't need to go out and buy the latest Elemis self-tanner which will cost enough to feed four families of Biafrans. Over the next few days, switch from your soothing cuppa tea to fresh ground coffee - and save the grounds. Don't put them on the rose bushes because your Dad says they make the flowers healthier - that's tosh! The flowers just want a caffeine rush, too. Keep those grounds - you're going to need them in a bit.

First you need to perform a bit of deforestation on the pins. Most people use a razor, some use waxing techniques (although my candles don't drip very much and it takes forever), but I always say, use a sharp potato peeler. Always does the trick and if you see any ingrowing hairs on the way, you can always gouge them out with that super-dooper handy eye scooper-outer!

All the glossy mags tell you 'Exfoliate, exfoliate' as though they were flippin' daleks. Right. You don't need to buy those overly expensive 'scrubs' - and nor should you waste decent porridge oats such as the weird beardy types tell you. Get into the back garden, grab a few handfuls of sand and gravel and scour it over your rough, scaly bits. After a few minutes vigorous rubbing, you'll come out looking like a tumbled amethyst!


No expensive moisturisers needed now - for the most natural moisturiser, daub on some lard. Whale blubber is best, but that's illegal now, thanks to those horrible little foreign Jonnies killing all the poor things. For a great summer look, mix in those coffee grounds we prepared earlier and wait!

Next morning, if you rinse off, you should be left with a healthy glowing tan, so I've been told.

Hair: We all want long, glowing locks to show off in the hazy days of summer, so these are reputedly the best treatments money doesn't buy.

For the brunettes amongst us, I always recommend steeping my hair in Guinness. It pongs a bit, and leaves it sticky, but you can save the residue to have with your pie and chips for tea. Waste Not, Want Not, as Grandma Mildew always says!

If you are blonde, steep your hair in Carling Black Label - same technique as above.


If you are grey, why not try something a little different and dye your hair in diluted Quink ink (Royal Blue, of course, befitting your age!). This should give a very different take on the blue rinse. If it comes out a bit patchy, this is purely due to the porosity of your hair and I cannot help that.

If you are ginger, there's very little I can do to help, but you could think about colouring it?


Styling: For that 'just come out of the sea' look, you don't want to be paying £40 for a bottle of 'buffered salt water with added seaweed extracts' - what a load of claptrap that is. Answers on a postcard to what that is, really. Anyway, if you want to look like you have just walked out of the sea, get some used tampons, condoms, a bit of bladderwrack and an 0ld tyre and drape it all artistically around yourself. Tracey Emin will be impressed and probably want to meet you, but be careful she doesn't wee on you or anything, as she is scary.

Hold: If you have run out of hairspray, either use spray adhesive fixative, or my personal favourite, Vapona, as those pesky mosquitoes will stop bothering you at the same time.

Face: Keep using the lard for moisturiser, but if you need a bit of a face-lift, there's no other better method than smearing Anusol around your saggy bits. Make sure you have cleaned the nozzle since the last use, otherwise you may feel somewhat uncomfortable with the lingering smell. Use Anusol at night for four nights, and you will be tighter than my ex's wallet.

If you need a bit of foundation, I always recommend gently stroking used teabags over my face. The tannins work wonders for a colour uplift. Soak some talc in tea and when it has dried out, you have a marvellous matching face powder, too - Tea really IS the best drink of the day, isn't it?

Eye shadows: Vaseline, and a bit of metallic paint you can scrape off next door's new car. It looks a treat!
Mascara: There's a bit of black gloss in everybody's garage. If you can't find any, the builder left stacks in mine, so help yourself.
Blusher: Just smack yourself across the cheeks every hour.
Lipstick: I advise eating anything ready-made from Tesco. All their meals, no matter which part of the world they are supposed to represent, are red. Dyes your lips a treat...indelibly.

Matt Chingduvé made a very salient point as I was drafting out this article in the office, whingeing and complaining about his bikini line during the summer months. He advised me that he never bothers with waxing any more, he has simply shaved his cat and glued the fur onto the legs of his bikini bottom to make a furry bikini - no more unsightly spiders' legs - just a fluffy bundle of fun around your bits, which will make people stare! Don't worry about the cat - by the time winter comes, its coat will have returned, ready for next year's harvesting!

If you have any top tips to looking good this summer, please drop me a line - I'm always on the look out for kindling as we haven't had much of a summer, really and I am walking around in my sweaters, freezing to death.