Monday, 17 December 2007

Lies Will Get You Nowhere

I have had the pleasure of my daughters’ company this weekend, which is always a never-ending whirl of picking up, tidying, nagging, cooking and answering difficult questions, as our two readers well know. And this weekend was no exception to the rule.

It started when Mr Parsnip was entertaining daughter #2 with the recently released DVD of Transformers on the television. As I pottered around, in a totally foul mood, having spent a day of hell at work where everything, but everything, conspired to go wrong on our website, I could hear her barrage of questions being fired at him. To his credit, he didn’t do as I do and threaten to place masking tape firmly over her mouth, but answered her calmly and informatively. She was in safe hands, so I knew that I could head off for a bath and wallow in my own self-pity, anger, and let my cares soak away with the bubbles.

The bath was idyllic. I had my candles lit, had performed all the incantations necessary to hex our dreadful web developers and was settling down to play out some confrontations in my head where I always won, got things sorted out and earned a massive pay rise. However, good things don’t always last, and I suddenly heard #1 snarl at #2, Don’t ask her! Leave her alone!

I sighed, wondering what was on its way.

#2: Mum?
Me: Yes?
#2: What is masturbation?
Me: ::thinks:: Oh Gawd, not again.
Me [after deep reflection] Well, it’s when you play around with your bits.
#2: Eeeeeewwww. That’s DISGUSTING…

It got rid of her. I discovered later that she had addressed the self-same question to Mr Parsnip who had bottled it completely and told her to ask her Mother. I guess I would have done the same if roles had been reversed, though…

Now, some of you may realise that I work for a large pharmaceutical group. We have pharmacies and depots across the UK but I work at the Head Office and am privy to all sorts of freebies, which come to the Marketing Department. We currently have a bit of a deal going on with Durex, the makers of all things mucky, who, in turn, have a deal going on with Anne Summers, which is basically a soft porn sex shop. In order to woo us, these suppliers send us samples to take home and use accordingly…

A kinky nurse’s uniform came in, replete with jaunty cap and stethoscope. It was in a size 10, and as I am the slimmest person there, and it fit, I was told to take it home and give it some use. Well, it was utterly hilarious, sent Mr Parsnip a strange shade of crimson, and a hiding place under lock and key was sought before the girls descended.

But I had forgotten to hide the cap…

As I shouted to the girls to lay the table for dinner from the kitchen, where Mr P and I were enjoying our evening banter when I annihilate him with big words, #2 came in wearing aforesaid cap and asked from where I had procured it.

After I had picked my jaw up from the floor and tried to re-pop my eyeballs back into their sockets, I stammered that it was a sample from work, out of a children’s gift set. #1, who is more on the ball than Frank Lampard, ripped the cap from #2’s head, checked it out and read the label, “Anne Summers”. Her face suddenly reflected mine [cf. eyes popping and jaw dropping]. The fact that she knew about Anne Summers disconcerted me somewhat, though, I must admit.

#1: ANNE SUMMERS? ANNE SUMMERS??? WHAT ARE YOU DOING WITH ANNE SUMMERS STUFF???
Me: It’s just from work, that’s all. Nothing else. Stop it. Leave me alone. I am a really nice person, honestly…
#1 YOU’RE DISGUSTING!!!
Me: Look, you know I get lots of free stuff from work, and you know that because you have just been on the receiving end of perfumes and jewellery, so give over. I was given this because there is a bit of a collaboration between Anne Summers and Durex and us. That’s all. So stop.
#2: What’s so bad, Mum?
Me: Nothing’s bad at all, darling. Erm…erm…ahem…It’s just that some couples find dressing up a bit of a turn on and things get a little…erm…fun in the bedroom, shall we say…
#2: What do you mean?
Me: Well, it’s called role-playing.
#1: Like kinky Doctors and Nurses, you div! [snarled at #2]
#2: What’s role-playing?
Me: Well, it’s when you dress up and pretend to be somebody else and act, sort of…
#2: OK. I’m Doctor Who!
Me, Mr P, #1: Raucous Laughter…

We fell about laughing. It dissipated what was one of the stickiest situations I have ever been in. #2 couldn’t really understand our hilarity, and considered if we were laughing at her meanly. We weren’t: I know from my own stand-point, that my laughter was verging on the ‘relieved hysterical’, and I’m pretty sure Mr P felt the same…

Later that evening, #2 confronted Mr P about his family, whom she has not yet met. Her own paternal grandmother fell pregnant with her father outside of wedlock and as her cousins on that side are also born out of wedlock she is very familiar with the somewhat antiquated term, ‘bastard’ and uses it as frequently as possible, in context.

Mr P informed #2 that his mother had been proposed to by his father within a week of them knowing each other [which is so romantic it makes my heart leap!]. Her father, though, would not countenance this at all, as she was very young, and denied her the marriage until her 21st birthday. Consequently, they married a week after that momentous day.

For some odd reason, the fact that Mr P’s mother had got married at a young age rang warning bells in #2’s head and she rounded on him stating:
So! You’re a Bastard, then?

Well, after he, in turn, had picked his own jaw off the ground, he rejoindered that, No, he was not ‘a bastard’, and that his parents were quite happily ensconced in a legal wedding before he had become a twinkle in his father’s eye.

She looked disappointed. She mentioned the word a few more times and gave up, knowing that she was pushing it a bit too far. She knows it is used out of context as a swear word, but also knows damned well that she can get away with it when it is used correctly. We had a very subdued #2 who would have had great pleasure referring to Mr P as well as her cousins and her father as ‘a bastard’.

I, personally, call him this anyway, when he hasn’t cleaned the bath out after him, but that’s by the by…

I realise, in retrospect, that I need to get my house in order better so that I don’t have to face these uncomfortable moments. But I also realise that, if I did, what would I have to blog about?

I hope you can both rest on your laurels knowing that it is I who takes the rap…

15 comments:

wisemanthree said...

I think you should count yourself lucky that #1 only KNOWS what Anne Summers is. Normally kids of her age these days are already onto their fifth child, elbow deep in baby-doo and enquiring about their 'live-in boyfriend's' trip to Job Centre.

I would include a reference about White Lightening or Lambrini, but I'm not one for advertising, whereas I never mentioned Durex because they wouldn't know what it is...

(ouch)

adam said...

Hello I just entered before I have to leave to the airport, it's been very nice to meet you, if you want here is the site I told you about where I type some stuff and make good money (I work from home): here it is

Agnes Mildew said...

Wisemanthree: Yes, I do count myself lucky. Living right in the thick of that type of person you describe so well, I just hope that pikiness cannot spread by osmosis.

Particle said...

Hi Ms. Agnes,i'm sorry to have reply so late... been busy in school that i cant even go to the cafe during weekends....and i was also thinking 'bout what you said, well, i do not really know how to start- i'm trying to make certain what to say, i'm not a theology major student and i dont want to be wrong in whatever i say. But one thing for me is certain...........that God is a good. And whatever is said in the bible is not all that literal... but then am sure God punishes...just like any father to any of his children who has done somethin' wrong....but He will always forgive if you really heartily ask for forgiveness.

Remember the story of Abraham, when he was tested by God to kill and offer his son at the mount...but then an angel appeared and stopped him before Abraham had the knife at his own son... it was a test of faith.... God intended it to test Abraham...


I hope i will be hearing from you soon.. i'll gladly appreciate to hear more feedbacks so i may learn.
Thank you again.

Agnes Mildew said...

Particle: Really not sure what the God story has to do with the post. But each to their own, eh?

Agnes Mildew said...

Adam: I would chew my right leg off with boredom if I had to work from home, but thanks for the visit.

Matt Chingduvé said...

Glad I didn't have to deal with this delicate situation. No doubt it would have ended up with me wearing the Nurse outfit and embarassing everybody!

Keli said...

Is this a typically relaxing weekend at the Mildew/Parsnip abode? I am so impressed at how you handle these stressful situations. From masturbation to kinky outfits to bastards - I would have stayed in the bath all weekend. I do appreciate the sacrifices you make for this unendingly entertaining blog.

Agnes Mildew said...

Matt: Any time you want to borrow it, it's yours, mate! Knowing your dramatic weight loss now, it will fit you better than it fits me! Not that I have tried it on...Oh no...not me *ahem*...

Keli: This is simply par for the course. My children have the most enquiring minds I have ever come across. Some people refer to this as intelligence. I consider that they just like to make me squirm...and thank you for the lovely compliment!

thewishfulwriter said...

you got yerself a goooooooood man, agnes.

seriously.

not many men would stand for you not wearing that outfit to dinner.

;)

Agnes Mildew said...

Wishful: I cooked in it, does that count?

Hope said...

Mine just watched some movie about two guys getting married and so want to know what a homosexual was...I'd have rather had chosen the moment myself alas he saw it when he was with relatives...I thought you handled things rather well..

Agnes Mildew said...

Hope: That has been a sticky one for me, too. The oldest finds it cool, and the youngest finds it disgusting. Trying to temper her almost homophobic attitude has been interesting. But we are definitely making progress!

Karen ^..^ said...

Wow, I think your girls are like my own #1 and #2. The most embarrassing questions come out of #2's mouth with alarming regularity...

You handled that question very nicely. I will definitely have to remember that one... The truth...what a concept.

Anyway, I hope you do not mind, but I linked your blog on my page. I probably should have asked first, so if there is an issue, let me know and I will take it right down. Thanks!

Agnes Mildew said...

Karen: Link away, my dear, please do! Very gratified that you enjoy our posts so much!