Monday, 27 April 2009

Monstrous Memes

Linda. You are no longer my friend. Awards I like (rewards are even better), but memes, I despise. And I don't think I could encounter a worse meme than to list five sexy things about myself.

Mr P, #2 and I went out for lunch yesterday. The meme was weighing heavily on my mind. I consulted #2 daughter and asked her to list five sexy things about herself. She looked at me blankly, blurted "Wha'?" and so I gave her the remit in more detail.

"I like my eyes, hair and I think my shoulders are really nice. Dunno why, but I really like my shoulders..."

"OK. That's three things; anything else?"

"Such as?"

"Well, your artistic ability; your handicrafts."

"This is just daft," she replied. "All you're asking me is what do I like about myself."

I sighed, turned to Mr P and asked him to list five sexy things about himself.

"Nothing," he replied.

"What, not even your bum, or your calves, or your photography skills."

"Nope. I am not remotely sexy."

(I personally think he is, but that's by-the-by)

So, I have wracked my brains long and hard, and come up with the definitive 5-point list for why I am sexy and the points are as follows:

1. I am sexy because, when I dance, I can gyrate my pelvis as well as Madonna any day of the week and if I do some serious shimmying, my knees only lock in position around 15% of the time.

2. I am sexy because I can still wrap my feet behind the back of my neck, or bite my toenails off and not suffer for it the next day with muscle spasms.

3. I am sexy because, as I am a heavy smoker, my voice is quite 'come-to-bed' at times. Particularly if I am also suffering with a heavy cold. If you don't look at my watering eyes and streaming nose and squint a bit, with a bit of imagination, you could almost believe you were listening to Kathleen Turner as Jessica Rabbit.

4. I am sexy because I wear 6" heels most of the time and thus hit 6' in height. I will wear the dirtiest shoes known to man, even though they cripple me, because they make me feel superior. The cast of our pantomimes in Oman always knew when they were in for a pasting from me depending on which pair of shoes I was wearing that night. The higher the heel, the worse trouble they were going to be in. Shoes are my passion. All my shoes scream, 'F*ck me'. Apart from my slippers. And I pinched those from our honeymoon hotel. And I don't admit to anyone that I actually wear them. They have to catch me in the act.

5. I am sexy because I can put my whole fist into my mouth. Not many women can do that. Don't you think that is sexy? Or does it just mean I have a big mouth?

So, there we have it. That is the PG-rated five point list of why I am sexy. I could have given you the X-rated version, but this is a family blog, and anyway, it's none of your business. I don't kiss and tell unless there are vast sums of money involved. But just in case, drop me an email and I can provide you with my bank account details forthwith for all the dirt on Mr Parsnip and his penchant for me wearing my gardening gloves...


Ian T said...

Clean. Cheeky. Amusing.

Glad you're back Agnes.


Linda and her Twaddle said...

Now THAT is the pinnacle of super sexy. Sexy boots - they are yours aren't they... And, I wish I smoked because it IS sexy to look at. In fact, that is one hell of a sexy photo.

Go on, tell me you loved this award.

By the way, I can almost fit my fist in my mouth. I just tried it, but I was scared to go all the way in case it got stuck. Which, thinking about it, would not have been sexy at all.

Karen ^..^ said...

*claps and cheers*

THAT was adorable!! I love it.

I don't know if I'll be able to do this... I'm not in the most funny of moods lately. Or sexy, for that matter...

I'm glad you are back too. Great post.

Annie T said...

Mr P: I have never been away. Just like Mount Vesuvius, I lie dormant and then erupt every now and then.

Linda: Yes, those boots are mine. But I am banned from wearing them outside the house, unfortunately! And I am glad you like the photo. I think I look like a cheap hooker, but there you are!

No, getting your fist stuck in your mouth would not have been sexy at all. Walking round for the rest of your life looking like the letter 'P' would have just been daft!

Annie T said...

Karen: Believe you me, I feel the least sexy ever at the moment! Particularly as a spot the size of a small hill has erupted on my top lip. I can almost hear the yodellers...

Ian T said...

Remember the words though Agnes... "Two heads are better than one. It's double the pleasure baby, triple the fun!"

Media Junkie said...

this was PG? lol.

Lissy said...

i want those boots! i have bad flat feet with bunions. you should see the sad frumpy shoes i wear.

just tried the fist in the mouth thing. couldn't do it. you rock!