Wednesday, 17 September 2008

Herein 'lies' Lady Gregson

Right, so this is my second post of the day, and more in keeping with HexMyEx...I hope!

I am sure that many of you receive Spam emails from allegedly extremely rich people offering to let you have a share of their vast wealth as long as you reply to their personal email address providing them with all your financial information, full address, date of birth and inside leg measurement. Anybody who does this has to have a vacuum located between their ears, in my personal opinion.

Generally, I just hit delete on these and think no more about them, but the following (together with my 'comments') really tickled me and I saved it for future reference. Please note, the appalling grammar and spellings belong to Lady Gregson - I have left them in intentionally!

Here writes Lady Dianne Gregson, suffering from cancerous ailment (sounds like she has started writing her epitaph already). I am marriedto Sir Richard Gregson an Englishman who is dead (who, not unsurprisingly, has ever actually been alive, according to my Google research! (this also sounds scarily like she has kept him sealed in a vault somewhere in her house)). When my late husband was alivehe deposited the sum of 20 Million Great Britain (Britain??) Pounds Sterling (I would herein state that this is one of the most fantastic uses of tautology I have ever come across! The only thing missing is the £ sign...) which werederived from his vast estates and investment in capital market with his bankhere in UK.Recently, my Doctor told me that I have limited days to live due to thecancerous problems I am suffering from (I would thus assume that, since I have held onto this mail for a while, she has now snuffed it. RIP).

I have decided to donate this fund toyou (She's trusting, isn't she? How does she know I won't do a runner and buy myself a Mini Cooper S?) and want you to use this gift which comes from my husbands effort to fundthe upkeep of widows, widowers, orphans,destitute, the down-trodden, physicallychallenged children,barren-women (Well, I think I'd just hook the orphans up with the barren women and kill two birds with one stone...) and persons who prove to be genuinelyhandicapped financially (I definitely fit this description.)

I took this decision because I do not have any child (Hmmm. I am also getting the impression she didn't have much of an education, either...Do you think she'd like an orphan?) and my husband relativesare bourgeois and very wealthy persons.I do not want my husband's hard earnedmoney (er...hang on, she's just told me that it was derived from his 'vast estates' and capital investment - I wouldn't reckon there's much hard work going on there would you? Ask the National Trust to look after the estates and get your stockbroker to invest wisely. Then he can clear orf to his Club and play billiards...I wouldn't mind working as hard as him, either...) to be misused or invested into ill perceived ventures hence the reasonfor taking this bold decision.

As soon as I receive your reply I shall give you the contact of the Bank inUK (The Bank is a very famous one you know. Almost as famous as The Agnes Mildew Banking Corporation). I will also issue you a Letter of Authority that will empower you as theoriginal beneficiary of this fund (Ooh, ooh, ooh! I am getting excited now! I am to be the original beneficiary! Strange, though that my email address wasn't in the 'To' line of the mail...just 'undisclosed recipients'. Do you think she is having me on? Cheating old witch!).

My happiness is that I lived a life worthyof emulation. Please assure me that you will act just as I have statedherein.Hope to hear from you soon (She's starting to sound a bit more chipper now, isn't she? I almost expected a 'Cheerio!' then!).You can contact me through my personal email address: dgregson02@googlemail.comMadam Dianne Gregson (She told me she was Lady Dianne Gregson! She's either fibbing or the cancer has made her lose her marbles...)

So, am I a hard-hearted cynic and this lady desperately needs my help, or am I sharper than all the knives in the cutlery drawer? I don't even think that question needs dignifying with an answer!

Sometimes Spam can be SO much fun! At least it makes a change from offering to extend my penis...

13 comments:

Karen ^..^ said...

I hate those. Aside from the irritating grammar/spelling abominations, they inundate my spam folder with about 20 of these a day. Gmail has an option where I can go into the letter, and hit "report Phishing", but to do that to 20+ emails a day would be nonsensical. I just delete them.

Your way is much more fun. I have had similar fun, but playing on the fact that most of these people are uneducated idiots, I've written back to a few of them and said:

"Immediately cease and desist sending me your scam letters. I have sent your email to the proper online authorities and your IP address has been recorded by the authorities, and you will be tracked down via your computer. Stop trying to obtain my personal information."

Funny, I've never heard from those particular people again. Because on some days, I get the same email from the same person, several times a day.

Now I just delete. Lady Gregson HAD to have kicked off by now. So must all of mine, except I keep getting more and more.

Keli said...

So this is what I've been missing every time I zealously push delete after the first sentence? Probably, a good thing as the grammatical and spelling errors would cause me to hyperventilate.
I had no idea these e-mails were so entertaining. I don't think the Lady has contacted me yet; mine seem to all originate from deepest, darkest Africa.

Linda and her Twaddle said...

Here in Australia, people actually still have given over huge amounts of money to those Spam scams! We have a friend who lost $80K - what the? And he is intelligent (or so I thought). By the way, if you email them back, it informs them that your email is active and then more Spam comes along. My sister is a geek and told me to NEVER email them back or we may find our email box in overkill.

Karen ^..^ said...

Oh, shit. Well, I guess I won't email them back anymore. Crappola. So irritating... Thanks for the head's up though, Linda!

Agnes Mildew said...

Karen: As Linda has rightly said - leave them well alone! There was a TV documentary shown in the UK filming a man who decided to scam the scammers. They are worldwide organisations, some of them, mainly hailing from Nigeria. And they are very, very dangerous. So just hit delete from now on - or blog about them!
How bizarre, I have just written 'blog' in blogger software, and its spell check has told me it is incorrectly spelt...Is this one for Keli and her stupers?!

Agnes Mildew said...

Keli: Yes. You are missing a wealth of hilarity - I always read them! I have another excellent one which I debated using - Mrs Helene Sneddon. If you Google the name, the spam email will be shown on purportal.com no doubt.

Linda: I find it so difficult to believe that anyone of sane mind would fall for these ridiculous cons. I can only assume it is greed which drives people to succumb and it is bonkers! I'd also read that to reply is asking for trouble.
Ah well, it gave me some blogging fodder on a day in which Mr Parsnip had been relatively innocuous...unlike today, however! *flexes fingers to start typing*

Poetikat said...

I get these types of mailings all the time in my online e-mail boxes. Generally though, mine are more of the well-educated African gentleman who is requiring my assistance with his finances. I just laugh and hit the delete button. One of my online servers allows me to report the "spam", but tell me this: is there really someone out there whose job it is to wade through these spam mails and contact them in the form of a nasty warning along the lines of:

"Cease and desist immediately from sending these fraudulent correspondences to our customers"? Ha ha ha ha! I wonder what they pay folks to do that. (Perhaps its all automated?)

Kat (I'm now following your blog as of this...minute.)

Mars said...

oh , yes i so need to have my non-existent penis extended!!! so i can please all the ladies ;)

(for those a little thick in the head, i'm a perfectly straight girl and i was being sarcastic)

Anonymous said...

My ex has been harassing me and my friends by posting craigslist ads and stealing picturs from mysapce pages etc. She is an awful human being. We created a victims page here:

http://victimsofangela.wordpress.com/

Jayne said...

Heh... spam is fun! Although I've been getting an obnoxious number of viruses picked up by my filter! Little hacker spammer shits are getting better every day.

Hey tried to write to you on your other blog, but it's blocked to people without blogger accounts. Just wasn't sure if you reaslied, or if you mean for it to be closed?

Anyway, love that blog too. You're honest about such brutal things!

Annie T AKA Agnes Mildew said...

Jayne: I didn't realise it was blocked to non-Blogger account, no! I thought we were just avoiding the anonymous comments as they are often just downright nasty!

Nice to see you putting posts up again!

Anonymous said...

Lady Gregson has obviously managed to hang on in there, I have had the same email from her 6 times today and its only 12.30!! Unless she is now making t his charitable donation from the grave!

Anonymous said...

Hey, I hate to be the bearer of bad news but it seems that Lady Gregson is still alive - albeit that she (still) has only days to live.