Thursday, 28 August 2008

Mr P, Arthur and Me...

It's way too early for me to be awake considering I am not at work, but as it was the longest night in the history of Agnes Mildew-Parsnip in that I had recurring dreams where I kept telling Mr P that the CD-rom I was waving in front of his face was 'both downloadable and upgradeable', I bored myself rigid, got up with him as he made his preparations to leave for that pretty town known as Slough, four hours drive away, and decided to potter until possibly boring myself even further in tackling the massive pile of ironing which sits, in the hallway, waiting to trip me up.

I haven't surfed the Internet for days as my old PC has now been installed in #2's bedroom where I am not allowed to (shouldn't? (shhh!)) smoke (as she is currently holidaying in Spain with the ex, she will never know). Mr P's PC has gone on the fritz and it would appear that all the photos he has taken of the Mildew tribe have been lost to cyberspace forever, much to his chagrin and my semi-relief. There's nothing worse than seeing your phizog staring out at you from a computer screensaver on rotation and it's even worse when it has been PhotoShopped into submission so that you suddenly, falsely, appear on the attractive side. 'Pity PhotoShop couldn't be applied from a bottle', has been my most recent thought. I'd give anything to have my blemishes, shadows, misshapen nose and grey hairs miraculously removed with one morning application of PhotoShop-In-A-Bottle.

I've started noticing that it takes me longer and longer to get myself ready to go out. I now have three moisturising unguents which need to be applied (one of which is supposed to act like Polyfilla and applied delicately to the 'lined areas' of the face. A 15ml pot lasted me one application) and each needs time to set and dry before the application of the next. Then there's the foundation which is 'light and frothy and whipped with a million bubbles'. I feel like I am applying Cappuccino to myself at times, but it doesn't taste as nice. Applying eye shadow and eye liner is a real feat. Where once I had taut eyelids, now they move with the brush, providing great resistance and thus great big clods of 'mocha', 'taupe', 'bandage' and 'anthracite' build up in the crevices. It really is tiring being a female at times...

Mr P has me to groom him and care for his facial features - although his gratitude can be a bit thin on the ground. He tells me he feels like a Science Experiment at times. As he comes round in the morning, his first sight is of me peering over his skin, checking it out for blackheads, whiteheads, spots and anything else I can lay my fingernails on. I pick at his ears, scalp, complexion, back...anything I can reach depending on how he is lying in bed. He thinks that I enjoy this, but I don't. It's horrible for me. Honest...

I have never really suffered with spots - which has been a double-edged sword for me. Obviously, one does not want to parade gloop heads across one's face, but there is a certain satisfaction in extracting the gunge from them. #1 daughter has taken after her father who did suffer with teenage acne, but she is a delight, as she frequently gallops up to me on her imaginery pony and asks me to pick her zits. We can spend hours of quality time together doing this. Thankfully, this is one of the few ways she takes after my ex - who I am pleased to report has, over the last 12 months, become rather aged and fat. I feel like offering a marvellous diet tip to him: how to lose 12 lbs of ugly, useless fat; but that would mean him chopping his head off, so I guess that wouldn't go down too well...

The other day, to my shock (and glee; OK, I admit it), Mr P asked me to check out a lump on the back of his neck.
He went into a (very) lengthy explanation of how he had suffered one of these before and how, rather than trust a doctor to excise it (he has an aversion to needles, scalpels and anything sharp - including my wit - haha!) he decided to attack it himself. I was treated to an amazing description (which still beggars belief) of a 'cone' which he extracted. So, when he asked me to have a squeeze, I proclaimed that although I could feel the lump, there wasn't a 'head' and thus what on earth could I do?

Boy, how wrong could this Agnes be?

With the slightest pressure being gently applied, the dirtiest, foulest pus started oozing out like a massive worm, and my eyes widened in amazement. It just didn't stop! Had it been crude oil, I would now be swanning around my mansion wearing nothing but Gucci furs and Prada heels. I was now getting into my stride and decided to really get my nails working. Unfortunately, when further pressure is applied to something which is already under pressure, that extra force can lead to an almighty explosion.

And I caught it a wallop, right in my left eye, across my fringe and down the side of my face.

I shrieked Jesus Christ!, at the top of my voice and proceeded to retch violently with the smell, which was like Satan's toilet paper. Urgh, Urgh, Urgh!!! You Minger! I cried, not very diplomatically. I flapped around the bedroom like a demented pigeon, wanting to get away from the pong and trying not to bring up the contents of my colon. No matter how I scrubbed, that smell would not go. I felt like Lady Macbeth (Out! damned spot...), washing away at something which could not be seen, but was definitely there.

Mr P was panicking somewhat - he often does when I blaspheme so vociferously - he knows when I take the Lord's name in vain, I am often scared stiff by something: usually #2 gliding up behind me, wraith-like, and making me jump violently out of my skin, or a dirty big spider scuttling across the floor towards me.

Well, I showed him the cack I was collecting and then forcefully shoved my soiled fingers under his nose. He tentatively sniffed, pulled a face, gulped and proclaimed: Stilton cheese.

Very ripe Stilton cheese...one which had been maturing in a hot car for three weeks and sat on by a wet dog with a flatulence complaint.

That was more like it...

Thankfully, I remembered to wash my fingers once more before next picking my nose. There is nothing worse than having a lingering smell stuck up your nostrils. Once, having changed #2's soiled nappy after I had fed her curry, I hadn't quite washed under those fingernails briskly enough. One root of the left nostril later, and I was left with a pong up there for the rest of the day. Not one of my better days if I recall.

Anyway, the boil was drained as much as I could manage. Mr P reckons that is just Round One and within a week or so it will have refilled, ready for me to have some more fun. I have been nurturing it with tender loving care, applying Germolene to 'draw' it out, and poking it each morning, like a lump of rising dough. I have even given it a name - Arthur - and I ask after him every day. I can see Arthur growing with all my TLC and I will have him plucked fairly soon.

All good things come to those who wait...

6 comments:

Karen ^..^ said...

Oh my God!!!! This was so funny, and yet so disgusting at the same time!!

I used to do extractions on my ex husband, but I think it was for the pleasure of inflicting pain, to tell you the truth. I disguised it with concern over his "bacne"

It was fun to make him squirm and yelp every so often, I must confess.

Now I don't. Because, A: I have no one to perform extractions on, except for the kid every so often. B: Well, A pretty much covers it, I guess.

Linda and her Twaddle said...

That was wonderfully disgusting. The level of intimacy you share with Mr Parsnip is touching. Unfortunately my husband is no longer growing anything of that value. He has reached the "hair growing from places it should not" age and I just handed him a nose trimmer in silence.

Still, I do have my son's skin to gaze upon as he enters puberty.

Agnes Mildew said...

Karen: You need to get a Toyboy. Preferably of legal age, but one still coming out of his adolescence. This should give you all the pleasure you need, in theory. At least, that's what I intend to do once Mr P is past his prime...

Linda: Strangely, Mr P is also starting to sprout hair in odd places. I don't possess a nose trimmer, so the kitchen scissors get an airing up his nostrils every month or so - or when it starts to look like a spider hanging down from his nose. They do the trick although Health & Safety would probably frown on my tactics.

Charles Parsnip said...

And I thought you were going to suck the poison out like any good wife should!

As to the sprouting hairs, I am starting to display hairs on my chest, which is hardly unusual considering the hair development products I am currently trialling.

More hair plz.

Joking aside, it's good to see some quality blogging from Agnes. Even I smiled.

-CP

Keli said...

As I have a weak stomach when it comes to photos revealing skin disorders, I quickly averted my eyes when you displayed Mr. P's blemish, but once again, I can't help but admire your unique skills.
I don't know anyone else (outside of a academically trained professional) who can boast of lancing a boil. May I suggest goggles and tomato juice for your next attempt - a bath in the juice will remove unanticipated odors.

Agnes Mildew said...

Charles: As long as the hair doesn't start sprouting on your back, you will be OK. I would hate to have to bring out the silver bullets next new moon.

Keli: I have to confess - that is not Mr Parsnip's boil. It is a stick-on joke one -. My brother bought me a pile of those when I was a teenager and I took great delight in sticking them on the end of my nose when about to enter my RE lessons.
Believe it or not, I, too, am squeamish about skin conditions. I have told Mr P and both daughters that it is a sign I really love them, that I can attack their spots with such gusto. I couldn't do it to another living person. And tomato juice? Is this a panacaea for nasty smells? I will have to try this out on Mr P when he awakes in the mornings...