Wednesday, 9 January 2008

Second Time Lucky?

As our two readers are aware, Mr Parsnip proposed to me on 5 November 2007. As none of you are aware, we have set our wedding date for 19 April 2008. To this end, most evenings and weekends are a social whirl of meeting photographers, wedding planners at hotels, registrars, florists, chauffeurs and hairdressers. It’s all a bit alien to me, to be honest, and I have taken a bit of a back seat, really, allowing Mr P to take command and be masterful, as he is My Hero. Don’t puke…it is what I say to him when I am being sarcastic…

I was married once before, as you both know – hence, Hex My Ex. That wedding was totally organised by me under the strict monetary guidance of Anal, the ex. As I couldn’t organise a Piss Up In A Brewery, you can imagine that it was a bit of a Mickey Mouse affair. Everything was done on the cheap – marrying a staunch Yorkshireman with his eye on the purse strings and having an interfering mother who demanded that I bought a pink nylon lace wedding dress from Albert’s Stall on the Market and marry over the anvil at the Blacksmith's in her village made me feel as though I had to save as much money as possible – even my underwear was bought from Oxfam…(that’s a fib, to be perfectly honest!).

Our wedding rings were the first saving: he had been jilted the year before and had kept the bands and engagement ring which was returned when she declared that she couldn’t marry the most selfish man she had ever met. I also had a wedding band passed down to me from a deceased relative. So, into the melting pot they all went and two new bands were created. Were they already hexed? I was even offered the former fiancées engagement ring until the ex realised that he could get a better deal by pulling an insurance scam, obtaining a new ring and flogging it to raise funds. As a bit of a nube, I concurred to his initial suggestion and wore aforesaid ring until his bright idea pinged into life.

I worked as a personal tax consultant at the time and two of my clients were in the bridal industry. So off I went to see them, offering to get them as much of a tax rebate as was possible if they could do me a deal on my dress and flowers. I ended up with a dress, which wasn’t my first choice due to costs, looked like a meringue with a dash of squirty cream, and the tackiest silk flower bouquet known to man. The ex deemed fresh flowers a waste of money, and at least the silk ones ‘would keep’.

Next up, the wedding breakfast…we went to a local pub, Harewood House, which is quite a pretty place and booked the cheapest set menu offered. I think the menu consisted of Heinz tomato soup, Bernard Matthews roast chicken and Chivers jelly…maybe not, but you get the picture. The ex refused to shell out for champagne so we went to Food Giant, bought their cheapest Asti Spumante and then got charged £7 per bottle, corkage. He saved £10 per bottle by doing that.

Our wedding vehicle was a Mercedes. It was actually quite nice and one of the few things for which we paid full price, in effect. But as it was only driving us for approximately six miles round trip, they discounted that for us, too.

The photographer was an old buddy of his grandfather and smelt dreadfully, but gave a discount. Many of my photographic proofs show me wincing in distaste at his BO. Thankfully, the distant shots were OK and we just about managed to garner an album’s worth. Ever frugal, the ex ‘hired’ his mate to video the whole shebang. Phil, who had never used a video camera in his life thought that if the camera was turned on its side, a ‘portrait’ view would be seen. For the first 20 minutes, we are all horizontal. We have a scene of me sneaking a cigarette from Phil’s wife horizontally, attempting to keep it secret as my parents didn’t know I smoked at the time, and thus expostulating to Phil to clear off in case the evidence was filmed; we have the ex sneaking horizontally behind the graves at the back of the church to urinate which caused me so much embarrassment I cannot tell you how much I remonstrated with him afterwards; we have the most excruciating Best Man’s speech, vertically, which bangs on about aforesaid ex visiting prostitutes in Paris, of which I was not aware until that point in time; and we have me permanently holding my hand in front of my dress, both horizontally and vertically, as, when I got into the car, the hoop caused the skirt to hit my mouth and a smeary pink stain can be seen with the naked eye from space.

THIS WILL NOT HAPPEN AGAIN…

Mr P wants this wedding to be special. He claims I am ‘special’ because I went to a special school and thus, we deserve it. I think he is right, actually. It has been a bit of an effort not to suggest traipsing off to the Charity Shops for a second hand wedding gown, and to go to the local pub for our ‘do’, but I am reigning in my pennywise attitude to a greater degree.

So, I have the gown of my dreams; the bridesmaids, #1 and #2 are kitted out in ‘cappuccino’ coloured dresses, despite #2 wanting to wear combats and camouflage teamed with wellies; we have a fantastic venue which is palatial, yet elegant and discreet; we have matching wedding bands which are unique to us; and we have Sir Matt Chingduvé as my giving away chappy as my parents no longer talk to me because I decided to live my own life instead of theirs.

One of my main concerns is not to fluff the first dance. Mr P has booked us some private dancing lessons. I can only hope and pray that my two left feet don’t let me down…

My other concern is whether Mr P wants to become Mr Charles Mildew…!

23 comments:

Linda and her Surroundings said...

I married in a Post Office, no family - just two witnesses. Bought my ugly taffeta dress the day before and tossed it in the bin two years later.

Still together after 17 years.

I think it would not matter what your wedding is like this time around - if someone thinks you are special and tells you so, then that is all good. You enjoy every minute of the organising. Deep down, I really think you see Mr Parsnip as your Hero.....

Agnes Mildew said...

Linda: Mr P is always telling me I am special. I think, possibly, he means it from the heart of his bottom, which is a very active organ in his body. We shall see...Yes, Mr P is My Hero...Always has been, Always will be...

Charles Parsnip said...

Be careful with your organ comments Agnes - they are akin to the pot calling the kettle black.

All this talk of heroes. I shall not be wearing pants outside tights at any point in the forseeable future. I think I'm just lucky.

I'll be there Agnes.

x

Agnes Mildew said...

Charles, must we persist with these role playing games? I have promised you time after time I will be Wonder Woman and you can be the dog in the disused mine shaft. Stop It!

fishwithoutbicycle said...

Oooooooooh, I missed the post about you being engaged to CP. This all came as a big surprise. Congratulations!!! I think you are a brave woman going through this wedding rigmarole, if it were me I'd be straight up to Gretna Green/drive through Vegas wedding chapel. Congrats again. Fish

MedStudentWife said...

I tell ya - 2nd marriages are the best because by the time you have one, you know what you want and will stand for it !! The 1st marriage was the practice *lol*

Congrats, Agnes :) Sounds like Mr. P is a really nice fellow.

hmmmm.. tights, wonder woman and disused mine shafts.. sounds waaaaay better than my yoga class :0

Keli said...

I have complete faith that this wedding will be special - Mr P sounds like he has a working head on his shoulders as well as being a fine chef (with Yorkshire pudding, anyhow).
If I may share my wedding memories...
While hubby and I were on our weekend long honeymoon, Mom and Grandma couldn't wait for us to get back to open the gifts, and rather than trouble us, opened them for us and made quite a show of mixing up all the cards so we were clueless as to who to thank for what. Then my sister, in a fit of hunger, had a craving for the top tier of our wedding cake, which we'd carefully saved for our first anniversary as is customary and, as you may have guessed, left us only a few crumbs come our anniversary celebration. Ah, the memories!

Agnes Mildew said...

Fish: Thank you! Yes, Gretna really was a desire of mine. However, I am now getting used to the sound of 'cha-ching' as the cash register goes into overdrive. We shall be destitute by the end of it...

Medstudentwife: I think you are right - first marriages are just the rehearsal. And yes, role-playing with disused tights in a Wonder Woman mine shaft is way more fun than yoga!

Keli: I think, possibly, I would have lost my temper with your family for doing that. I felt great indignation for you just reading your comment. I hope you were able to ascertain from whom the twenty toasters were?

Stealth said...

I am anxiously awaiting my invite.

Mark Dykeman said...

Agnes: I'm feeling rather thick-headed at the moment. I am so sorry that I missed your 5 Nov post announcement concerning your engagement!

I've been scanning too many blogs of late and I haven't been reading them closely enough!

Belated congratulations and best wishes!

Agnes Mildew said...

Stealth: If I was opening up the invitations to the blogging community, you'd be top of the list. But I'm not...oops!

Mark: Go to the foot of the class. Tsk! Skim reading Hex My Ex? That's a cardinal sin, don't you know!

Matt Chingduvé said...

Although I am happy that you are getting married, I must protest at having to be a bridesmaid for you!

Agnes Mildew said...

Matt: But I thought you liked the gown in shades of bandage and anthracite taffeta with the criss cross of barbed wire up the back? Why didn't you say at the time of fitting?

Matt Chingduvé said...

Because Charles was holding a gun to my head! :)

Hope said...

Hey Agnes and Matt!! I left you an award on my blog. hugs...hope

DrowseyMonkey said...

A second walk down the isle...you're a brave woman!

Matt Chingduvé said...

Hi Hope! That's very kind of you, I'll go and have a look now! :)

Agnes Mildew said...

Hope: Many thanks for the award. Really good of you!

Drowseymonkey: Good to see you over here! I am either brave, senile or bonkers. As Mr P likes to bang on about my age, I can only assume it is premature senility creeping in.

Jazmine9 said...

Oh congratulations to you both. You are quite fortunate to find someone special enough to try it again. I'm sure he is a keeper, otherwise there would be no point. Good luck with all the planning. I'm sure, no matter what happens, it could not be any worse than your first go if you got married at your house in the middle of a snowstorm with no electricity and the toilets overflowing! However, I have a feeling this one holds great promise to be spectacular!

Aningeniousname said...

Congrats on your impending nuptials, I'm sure if Mr Parsnip lives up to his name the honeymoon should be spectacular!

Rednose said...

I've stumbled across your blog through Fish without bicycles and I'm guessing that it had to be fate. My girlfriend put us on a break the monday before Christmas and I've been in a horrible state of uncertainty ever since. There is a lot that has happened that I'm sure you will call me an idiot for allowing to happen, but I won't get into it right now, because I've only just started to feel better after the last bit of bad news that I received and I don't want to go down blues-vil again before I've enjoyed this moment of near calm too it's fullest extent.
Though if you want a taster of what it's like, here it is. Currently, I'm on a bit of a business holiday in South Africa. In the 15min before I got in the car to go to the airport, we both let our guard down and allowed our true feelings to come out which resulted in (I'm sure you'll be disgusted to hear) a fair deal of snogging. Which was brought abruptly to an end by the doorbell ringing because my cab had arrived.
This morning however, I got an email from one of my best mates telling me that he had a source that had spoken to my ex/current girlfriend and when asked about our relationship, she said that we'd split up ages ago.
I'm putting this down to bad communication between the sources and the fact that they mistook being on a break for being split up.
Sorry to dump all of this on you in my first comment, however you sound like someone that can offer some sound advise on these sorts of situations.

Hope You're having a Great Day

Agnes Mildew said...

Well Mr Rednose! Thank you for your visit and I hope you are enjoying your stay in SA.
Snogging doesn't disgust me - I must put you straight there! But, I would suggest that when a woman tell you she wants a break, she generally means she has met somebody else and wants to give them a whirl to see if they are suitable but doesn't want the guilt of doing the dirty on you. I'm afraid I would bin bag her. Too much like hard work.
I could do a one-to-one counselling session for you if you fly me out to Jo'burg and put me up in The Valley of The Lost Kings for a few nights...I fancied staying there when I was in Sun City but had to unfortunately resort to the Cabanas instead.
Such is life!
Keep your chin up - there are plenty of decent sorts out there. Just don't resort to internet dating. That'll see you off...

Kitty said...

Love your storytelling style.
Hilarious!!