Tuesday, 30 October 2007

Sod's Law...

Why do things go wrong, just when you don't want them to?

Last week, I discovered that my all-time favourite Kookäi work trousers' zip had decided not to function properly. For a few days, I kept the pants hung over my bed rail, cursing them as the weather was becoming more and more inclement and so I was being forced, against my will, to have to wear skirts. After some minor home surgery on them last night, I fancied that the zip problem was solved. Therefore, I was somewhat distressed today to discover that whenever I laughed or coughed (both things I do a lot: a) because I find it hilarious to wind my work colleagues up and b) because I never seem to have a cigarette out of my hand these days...) my zip burst open. Now, you may think to yourself, so what? Well, the zip is located in the rear of the trousers and thus rather more difficult to remedy if you aren't actually aware it has happened. I am only glad I was not wearing either lurid coloured knickers, or a thong...

After I had displayed my 'George at Asda' knickers (£6.99 for five pairs!) for the umpteenth time that morning, I decided to make a flying visit home and change the trousers. Could I find the ones I wanted?

Nope...

I could only find the ones whose zip is broken at the front. Yes, I could have worn a skirt, but that may have drawn unwanted attention to the fact that I had had to change and then the questions would have been asked and the snarky comments begun...So, all afternoon, when I laughed or coughed, the zip would snag down and catch the skin from my belly in its travels. Aforementioned belly now looks like a small rodent has gnawed at it.

I only get a measley 45 minutes for lunch, so it was almost straight back into the car. And, what did I initially get in front of?*** The recycle wagon, whose driver took great delight in parking alongside a parked car, blocking my way. The so-called civil servant - you know, the ones who are allegedly employed by the government to work for us, took great delight in staring me out with a supercilious grin on his face, as if to say, 'I'm big; you're not. You just have to wait for me - haha!' When he finally inched his way forward so that I could finally pass, he waved at me. I returned his wave with a 'universal hand gesture'.

I then got behind a driver who appeared to take every single road marking to heart. Wherever it said SLOW, he slammed on the brakes. In a 60 mph zone, we ended up crawling at 25 mph. And I get quite severe road rage from time to time. After yelling at the top of my voice (which he obviously couldn't hear), "Crap or get off the f*cking pot!!" he pulled over on a bend, just after the traffic lights. Boy, was I hopping mad. Particularly as my temporary company car has as much guts as a filleted fish and simply does not like the idea of overtaking.

Upon my return to the office, I was had by my colleagues. We have a Secret Santa established, which I am simply not going to explain to anyone who doesn't know what it is, and, as I called off from a lengthy, complicated, techie phonecall, I was immediately asked, "So who did you get in Secret Santa, Agnes?" I responded accordingly, in truth, and was then treated to a tirade of abuse that I couldn't hold my water, that I was a gob-sh*te, and nobody ever tell Agnes anything...blah, blah, blah. Good job the person for whom I am buying wasn't there, I guess...

Anyway, I hope you lot realise that I am blogging when I really ought to be reading Turgenev and getting my head around the father figure in the story. You ought to be ashamed of yourselves, stopping me from studying. So leave me alone because I am a very important person...

***For the pedants amongst you, yes, I know I started the sentence with 'AND' and finished it with a preposition. So what? I know...

14 comments:

Mark Dykeman said...

Have you started writing a book yet? You should. Really. You should.

Agnes Mildew said...

Mark: No, I haven't started a book! Unless it is a book which takes bets on the 4.30 at Doncaster! Although, believe it or not, I did actually write one many, many years ago. The ex has kept the final ten pages on his (formerly our) PC, so it is not quite the same. Maybe one day I will do something with it...then again, maybe I will see it for the codswallop that it was and get rid!

Matt Brockett said...

George knickers!!

I think you're great, I really do!

Bottle yourself.

I'll have a gallon!

;)

Hawk said...

Your writing is excellent! I'm always assured of being rewarded with a smile when I visit. As always, I enjoy your site as much as I do biscuits and gravy and let me say, I LOVE "EM like no tomorrow! My regrets for not being by sooner. Just too much to do. I'm having to spread out my rounds. I feeling like I'm interning at St. Elsewhere, or St. Somewhere, or maybe St. Nowhere!

Emmy said...

You poor thing, I hope tomorrow is better :)

fishwithoutbicycle said...

How infuriating!!! Hope your day improved :-)

Agnes Mildew said...

Matt: I gave you a bottle of me ages ago. What have you done with it?

Hawk: How much do I owe you for that compliment? Thanks!

Emmy & Fish: No, today hasn't been better in one single way. Today has sucked donkeys, big style. Most horrific, but all worky stuff, deadly boring - the likes of websites not working properly, the phone ringing off the hook and just silly, silly things like that! At least I am out of the office all day tomorrow - yippeeeee!

Keli said...

I do detest nonfunctioning zippers as well as buttons that pop off the blouse at the most inconvenient times. Since I also loathe sewing, my zippers and buttons tend to stay dysfunctional through no fault of their own.
Hope you enjoy every minute of your day off!

Agnes Mildew said...

Keli: Day off? Day off?! Hahahahaha! Oh, my sweet child. No, no, no - just going into the Midlands to meet with some dreaded civil servants to pin them down to some facts and figures. Going on your own experiences, you will realise that this is going to be difficult...

Jayne said...

I always feel a little evil reading your blog, because I always find myself smiling or even laughing out loud at the horrid things that happen to you.

I swear your life is better scripted than most TV shows out there.

Linda and her Surroundings said...

In Aus, if you can fit into Kookai it means you are in the "thin" club. It appears you may be about to be kicked out of it if you split the zip!!!

I wonder if you should always have a change of clothes on hand at work - I am thinking with the faulty front zip on pants at home, split rear zip at work - you might be falling apart in the wardrobe department!!!

Agnes Mildew said...

Jayne: Perhaps that is where I am letting myself down, eh? Instead of blogging, I should be sending these scenarios into the BBC? Yes, what could we call it? A Day in the Life of a F*ckwit?!

Linda: Yes, Kookai trousers are for the skinny club, so I shall just *preen* here and state that the zip broke as a tooth had come askew, and went from the bottom up rather than the top down - they actually HANG off me. I can get my whole body into one leg...and I am ever so good at lying, too...

alcoment said...

Ah, malfunctioning clothes! This also happens to me on a fairly regular basis and I've more or less given up. As I can't sew very well, I often have to resort to safety pins and if anyone asks, I just say I'm considering becoming a punk and taking baby steps before commiting myself!

Agnes Mildew said...

Alcoment: Malfunctioning wardrobes are the bane of my life. Like you, I am poor at domesticity unless it involves Toilet Duck and a scrubbing brush. Despite wanting to be a 1950s housewife, I will never manage all the knitting, crocheting and whipping up a soufflé whilst parading bright red lipstick and a gingham frock.