SOSOTL Market Research Report

In light of MUBM’s recent research into SOTSOTL syndrome, Hex My Ex hired ace German Marketing Researchers, “Bugya-industreet” to discover what causes SOTSOTL to set in.

Over an intensive 37 minutes, their crack-head team consisting of Heimlich Maneouvre and Heidi Schnapps, asked two and a half unwilling volunteers to proffer their opinions on the causes of SOTSOTL and how it had happened for them.

For reasons of clarity, we will call the candidates A, B and C in providing their comprehensive responses and maintaining their anonymity:

1. What did you most hate about your ex?
A: She didn’t want a threesome.
B: He refused to get up to go to the toilet and would soil his underpants all the time on my settee.
C: I have never had a girlfriend.

2. What clothes did your ex wear which really used to annoy you?
A: Dresses, skirts, trousers, jeans, shirts, T-shirts, tops, suits…
B: His dirty undies.
C: I’ve never had a boyfriend, either.

3. Was there anything about your ex’s eating habits that annoyed you?
A: Well, there wasn’t much munching going on with her, I can tell you!
B: He would balance his sandwiches on his big fat belly and store cake in his beard to suck on later.
C: I don’t like this.

4. Did your ex ever employ a term of endearment for you, which you hated?
A: If she called me anything other than Stud Muffin, she would get a load of verbal.
B: Bitch.
C: Mum…Help!…there’s a weird lady talking to me. Tell her I’m only 42.

5. What was your ex’s worst habit?
A: Constantly having to visit her gynaecologist.
B: Scratching his dirty bottom and sniffing it.
C: Leave my Harold alone, you harlot!! Take that! And that!

6. What type of music did your ex play which annoyed you?
A: Anything that wasn’t played on my organ…
B: His kak klaxon music.
C: [silence]

7. Did your ex help around the house?
A: ‘Course she did. She helped me all the time. I’d sit and watch her clean while she was wearing her French maid’s outfit.
B: He helped to foul around it.
C: [silence]

8. What do you think about the recent SOTSOTL findings?
A: What? Don’t know what you’re on about. Now, bugger off - I have Stringfellows to run.
B: I wrote the report.
C: Would you like to come out on a date with me?

In conclusion, it is glaringly obvious that if you aren’t nymphomaniac with a penchant for company and need to wear clothes or you are a gruesome slob in every aspect of your life, SOTSOTL is likely to affect your relationship fairly dramatically and rather quickly. So, take a leaf out of Matt Chingduvé and Agnes Mildew’s books and dump your partners pretty quickly and take us out for a double date.

You can contact us anytime on 0898-Incontinence Problems 666. Be sure to leave a message if we are not there and we’ll get back to you if we can reverse the charges.

Ask Agnes

Auntie Agnes

I am single, but have recently wanted to start dating again. A man at work who I quite liked asked me out on a date, and I agreed. However, he turned up wearing a corduroy suit which is a big no-no in anybody’s book. When I asked him to take them off, he got the wrong idea and we both got arrested on obscenity charges. After a few weeks of anger, I’ve agreed to date him again. Do you have any tips on how I can totally ruin his life on the next date? I can only think of pulling his wig off, slapping his bald head and singing ballads from South Pacific.

Yours

Mabel Fable-Table


Dear Mabel Fable-Table,

What a dreadful situation for you, and how painful it must have been when he turned up in corduroy. I think I would have pretended that you were a Care in the Community case. That would have confused him greatly and he would have run a mile.

Anyway, that is beside the point. Didn't your Uncle Albert ever tell you not to screw the crew? It is a big no-no because if you don't get it on in the bedroom area, how are you going to face him at work the next day? I could tell you a few stories about the excommunicated priest I got jiggy with and how, when I dumped him, he decided to tell everyone in the office about the time we were in bed with a rhi...

So, how to get your own back on this nasty piece of work. OK, he is a wig-wearer. What you need to do is get down to the Red Light district of Moss Side and see if you can find any merkin-wearing prostitutes. Make sure the lady of the night in question is one of very dubious character and is repeatedly scratching her groin.

Agree to meet him again and this time, no matter what he is wearing (you can get it whipped off in no time at all), get cosy with him. After he has 'performed' and is snoring like a fat-headed old hippo, remove his wig, smear his chrome dome with Super Glue and stick on afore-said dirty merkin. The itching and smell will wake him up very soon. Ensure you have called Rentokil and they are there, ready and waiting with their fumigators. And let them rip!

He won't ever want to see you again...for the simple reason that the chemicals will have blinded him.

Hope this is of some help to you, Mabel, but if not, I don't really care that much.

Agnes x