Sir Matt Chinguvé and I, Ms Agnes Mildew, should like to wish Dame Tess Tickle a fantastic 50th birthday.
The half-century celebrations commenced at 7pm at the Strachan Hall, Aberdeen on 26th June 2007. Hundreds arrived to participate in lots of balloon-blowing events, pin-the-tail-on-the-donkey and Postman's Knock, which resulted in Dame Tess taking a number of underage boys back to her hotel bedroom...
The Dame's husband, Sir Drew P. Cock sent thousands of invitations out to everybody from his work's email address, and many wanted to come but couldn't quite make it into the Hall due to Fire Regulations. However, we had the chance to interview such celebs as Jonny Depp and George Clooney who were quoted as saying, "That Tess is a sight for sore eyes. She is such a hip-swinging chick, we couldn't get here fast enough. What a fantastic party this is!". Their only complaint was that Matt & I couldn't be there in person...
A sumptuous buffet was laid on for all, a live band and Tess danced her laddered tights off, as is her wont - you should see her performing her shag! Sir Drew P. Cock's funky chicken goes down in the annals of history, believe you me!
Dame Tess patronises the halls of the overstated Robert Gordon University, lecturing on whether butter is more healthful than margarine, if it is wise to flush the toilet in a drought, and should she buy a dress from Oxfam or British Heart Foundation, such is her humanitarian nature. Her work colleagues (shallow pigs that they are, none of whom had the decency to say if they were coming to the party or not and will shortly be receiving 'flaming pasties' through the post from HexMyEx) are obviously in awe of her capabilities and from now on, as befits her Superior Status, she is no longer buying cakes for the parasitic little gimps.
We want to wish Dame Tess the bestest birthday in the whole wide world as she is one of the most wonderful people you could ever hope to meet, even if she can't pronounce 'curry' or 'Durham' properly. She looks after her 'Mam', she looks after her three boys, she even looks after the great unwashed of Scotland, and that in itself is a major task...
Happy Birthday, Dame Tess (JT) Tickle!! You deserve it!
