Welcome to Poet's Corner

By popular demand, Sir Matthew Bartholemew Spartacus (IV) Chingduvé and myself, The Right Hon. Agnes Petticoat Bandage Shirley Mildew have been asked to write some poetry. We have given it our best shot. In the spirit of things, we have kept it completely evil and bitter, so we are sure you will appreciate our attempts. For reasons of revenge, no names have been altered...

An Ode To My Former Bosses...

Brenda was my one-time boss,
She sacked me, but that was her definite loss.
Opposite to me she sat
Eating her ear-wax, the dirty cow.

Marcio was her husband’s name,
And telling whoppers was his game.
Like all the ladies fancied him
And how much weight he’d lost at the gym.

Marcio's breath reminded me
Of blocked up toilets - poo and wee
He didn't seem to give a toss
That we all gave him some mouthwash

But in the building, we all knew,
That Brenda didn’t have a clue.
Cos her spouse was off a-wandering
To websites just to have a fling.

On Date.com his profile lay,
He wanted girls – he wasn’t gay.
He made out that he was ‘well hard’
Far from our beliefs – a total retard.

But could he get a gal? No chance.
Cos Brenda, see, she wore the pants.
And when he hinted thrice to me
That he was available as could be

And when I knocked him back forthwith
He bleated off to his Missus.
She took the hump and told me straight.
Young lady, there’s the office gate.

A final drink of tea I made,
Especially for those two shades.
A special mix of snot and goo
And forty laxatives, not one or two…

I hope they got the screaming shites,
And go to bed, afeared at nights,
In case I come to haunt them more
With Flaming Pasties at their door…

Unfortunately, Sir Matthew Bartholemew Spartacus (IV) Chingduvé is unable to contribute at this present moment in time due to a temporary disturbance in his fingers as he is blind drunk and has passed out over the keyboard. Normal service will be resumed shortly, once he has woken up and taken his laxatives.

We're gonna getcha!

Dearest Agnes

Please help as I don’t know what to do.

My wife went away to visit relatives in Manchester about 6 months ago, and has not returned since. I’m beginning to think she might not be coming back.

I have run out of clean clothes to wear. Somebody told me about a thing called a ‘washing machine’ that may help with this, but I have no idea what it looks like. Also, the toilet is really whiffy and the bath - well, I’m cleaner BEFORE I use it. Most of my friends have stopped coming round, saying they’re fed up with wiping their feet on the way out.

Do you think I have a problem, or is this normal. I weigh 28 stone.

Yours sincerely

Peter Enis

P.S. Actually, make that 29 stone. I’ve eaten the Cat.

Dear Peter,

I have located your wife for you and she has told me to tell you that she has run off with your next door neighbour’s wife and they are growing hemp seed on the Isle of Man.

So, fat boy, you might as well get over it now. She ain’t coming back, and as she has now hired HexMyEx’s services, you had better get a change of address and some cosmetic surgery because we are out looking for a fat, lardy boy who stinks to high heaven and has a cat’s tail sticking out of his bottom.

If the cat is causing bowel blockages, simply take 10 Dulcolax. They will shift you – I recommend them for all forms of constipation.

Hope this is of some help to you,

Agnes.

PS. If you would like to try any other forms of laxative, visit this online shop.