One for the girls!

Good evening Hexers,

I was most impressed by Matt’s info-blog on the dating site, interrodate, and have realised that you gurlies out there need to know what to expect. It’s all very well Uncle Matt telling you that all the women are prostitutes and nutters…what about the blokes who lurk on there, too?

Well, Auntie Agnes can now reveal all.

As soon as you upload a name, if it appears even vaguely feminine, the men will besiege you. This is before you have had the chance to devise your questionnaire, work out what the hell you want to ask, and work out whether you actually care. Many men will presume you are hot to trot and will come straight out with, Fancy meeting up for a shag, LOL? (Actually, that is way too literate, they would actually write, Wana shag LOL…and omit the question mark, because they are retards.)

You may like to take a peek at some of their questions, which generally require a ‘yes’/’no’ response. If you are feeling really excited, have a go at answering them with a bit of acerbic badinage. These are my top ten favourites:

10. Do you like golfers?
Answer: Do I care?
9. If I corted you with roses and chocolates, would you think I was romantic (yes) or after something (no).
Answer: I would think you were a retard because you cannot spell.
8. Sunbathe (yes) or skiing (no).
Answer: I only like to sunbathe when it is chucking it down with rain, and skiing is best done in July.
7. What would you prefer, a rich, stupid man (yes) or a poor intelligent man (no).
Answer ‘yes’ every time. Who wouldn’t want a rich thickie at her beck and call? I ask you…This guy is obviously a bit thick, so he might also be rich – chat him up…
6. Would you scrap the ice off my car windscreen in the winter (yes) or would you find an excuse not to do it (no)?
Answer: If you want me to ‘scrap’ the ice off your car windscreen, I can easily find a dirty big brick and lob it through. It’d soon be considered ‘scrap’. Obviously, this bloke wants a skivvy. Avoid.
5. If someone was havin a friendly flirt with me or me with them, would this upset you?
Answer: Would it upset you if I took your best mate into the bogs under your nose and gave him a jolly good seeing to? This guy wants to have his cake and eat it…fool.
4. I have kids. Do you mind?
Answer: Mind your own bloody kids, mate – get a babysitter .
3. Do you like Jade Goody and agree with her actions and conversations and opinions on celeb big brother?
Answer: I didn’t even realise Jade Goody had enough brain cells to be able to form an opinion, actually.
2. Do you think I’m good-looking?
Answer: No. Anybody fat-headed enough to ask that type of question simply deserves to be put down.
1. Now that you have answered all of my questions, does the fact that I am married put you off? Answer: I have contacted HexMyEx and they are currently in negotiations with your soon-to-be ex-wife, loser.

I think, on the whole, there are two men on interrodate who have a modicum of intelligence. One is Uncle Matt. The other is my Dad.

Agnes Mildew is a recognised member of interrodate. Should you wish to chat her up, please ensure that you use good England in yor ansas 2 her utherwiz she is lickly to blow u out.

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Opposites Attract?

Special feature by guest blogger and terminal singleton, Matt Chingduvé.

Hi there. Nice to be with you.

If, like myself, you often find yourself designing cutlery for Goldfish, then you also have too much time on your hands, and may have already thought about my idea. Hopefully though, you have a somewhat more conventional approach towards leisure activities, and perhaps have been too busy waxing your elbows, hoovering your shed, etc to have given this much thought.

'Opposites attract', so the short saying goes. True, or just an Old Wives Tale? To put this to the test, I spent literally 23 seconds on a concept to put this theory to the test.

It is all very simple, as you'd expect from me. Just write down your vital statistics or physical attributes, and a few items of interest to yourself, for example hobbies, music, sports, etc as a list. Here's mine as an example:


Height: 5' 8" (in old money)

Weight: Fatty

Eyes: Two

Type Of Car: Riley Kestrel

Favourite Groups: The Beatles, Bonzo Dog Band, The Len Fairclough Experience

Favourite kitchen appliance: Fork

Pets: Budgies

Occupation: Sweaty electrician

Favourite position on a compass: Magnetic north

That will do for now. We don't want to become self-obsessed here.

OK then, now we have the basic information, the idea is to write down, as accurately as possible, the opposite of your answers. This should determine the characteristics and personality of the opposite you'd be attracted to. Be honest and try to keep to the first thing that springs to your mind, as this is usually your true feeling. Let's do mine as an example:

Height: Well, I'm not too short or too tall really, so I guess I could choose really tall or really short. Let's go with really short.

Weight: The opposite to me is thin.

Eyes: I have two. What's the opposite of two? That's got me confused, but logic suggests 'one' as the answer here.

Type of car: Hmm. The opposite to the Kestrel would be a safe, economical, sensible motor and not one you'd see John Cleese whacking with a branch.

Favourite groups: The opposite to mine would be boring, unoriginal and not worth listening to.

Favourite kitchen appliance: The opposite to my answer would be knife.

Pets: I guess the opposite to a Budgie would be Cat. So let's say a Lion!

Occupation: The opposite to my answer is of course a non-sweating Plumber (as if such a beast exists!! Tskk!)

Favourite position on a compass: I've already forgotten what I said. Oh yes, magnetic north. So I guess we'll say non-magnetic south here.

OK sports fans, so now we have the answers. Now let's take those answers and make a profile of our opposite and see if we're attracted to it. I'm excited!

My ideal date or partner, then, would be: A rake thin, really short, knife-wielding one eyed unsweaty plumber, who drives a normal boring car with John Cleese in the back seat, listens to Coldplay whilst facing south without any magnetic field, and enjoys hanging around with Lions.

Frankly, compared to some of the clowns I've been out with, this sounds like a dream date! It looks like there is some truth in this after all!

Try it yourself, if you dare. I would love to read your results!